Episode #54 – Robin Hood

Why is it that all our male action protagonists all look like they should be a waiter at Olive Garden?

What happened? When did this become appealing? How did it come to this? How could you ever put your faith in a character to save the world, that you only just barely have enough faith in to serve you bread sticks?

And yet this is now the norm. I swear all of the newest action movies I’ve seen have gone down this route. Robin Hood, the 2018 Predator, Ready Player One… All the pussiest looking specimens that look like they’re “just waiting tables in the meantime until their modeling career takes off.”

It’s sickening.

These filmmakers all expect me to get excited about seeing these pretty boys at the helm of all our current action thrillers. I miss the days of Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Van-Damme, Seagal. When people only called them handsome because they were worried the action stars might kick the shit out of them if they didn’t.

It’s a big problem when it looks like I could kick the crap out of them or run them over and not at all be worried about it potentially scratching the paint job on my Civic. That’s right, even guys who drive Civics don’t think these losers are cool.

Get real.

END

Episode #53 – The Purge, Jerking Off Your Own Disabled Son

Every day is Purge Day in a Marxist utopia

Just think about it. Anytime you’re upset that someone has more skills or talent than you, you can just accuse them of being too “privileged” and then gather your torches and pitchforks.

More rejected ideas for wacky purge gangs and villains:

  • The Little Kings: a group of midgets that run around wearing cardboard Burger King crowns. They only eat burgers and use a lot of burger lingo and insults, like “Hey you damn onion ring, you messed with the wrong king”.
  • Michael Douglas from Falling Down: he’s fed up with the world’s shit, and with a bag full of guns you’d better hope you don’t mildly inconvenience him
  • The Tighty Whiteys: they all wear their underwear on the outside of their pants and drink warm milk.
  • The Kingpins: a gang of bowlers that throw around bowling ball bombs
  • The Diabetics: super fat, complain about having diabetes, soak up all of the government’s health care dollars.
  • Blackfoot: leader of “The Diabetics”.
  • The Notaries: they follow people around, and anytime they make a promise in a personal conversation they turn it into a legal obligation. Particularly insidious against young people or politicians (whoo hoo, that’s some low ass hanging fruit to call a politician a liar).
  • The Audiophiles: carries around superpowered speakers to burst your eardrums. But damnit if that music won’t be in a crisp, lossless format.

Credit to Dave for some of these ideas.

Episode #52 – Bohemian Rhapsody

Here’s the thing about Queen…

Everybody loves Queen and it always surprises me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I think they’re bad. They’ve definitely written a few songs that I think are nearly objectively loved by all. Even if you’re only familiar with their singles, that seems to be enough for most to appreciate them.

It surprises me because every guy at some point has to realize when watching a live video of Queen that he is not as cool as Freddy Mercury. His presence, that bitchin’ mustache, the way he flails around with the top of the mic stand. It’s immediately apparent how cool he is. But what’s also very apparent is how incredibly ghey he is.

Now not only is he sooper ghey, he’s also sooper ghey with aids. I think we can all agree there’s nothing less cool than that.

But despite all that, he’s still cooler than all of us. And to admit that you’ve heard/seen Queen, you can’t deny that. You can’t deny that you’re not even as cool as a ghey dood who died of aids.

So it’s very surprising to me that most men would knowingly admit this by openly enjoying Queen.

But what about women? Can they overcome this hurdle? Are they able to take a break from listening to their usual garbage like CHVRCHES or The Weeknd? What do they think about Queen?

I’ll answer this with another question.

Who cares what women think?

END

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Episode #51 – Venom, Sawsgiving 2

You can never come back from the dead…

…unless you’re Fred Krueger or Muller. And yes I know I just referred to myself in the 3rd person, but you noticed so that makes you just as big of an asshole.

I owe a lot of apologies for missing last week’s episode.

I’m sorry my immune system was as weak as Venom’s villain, barely even able to fight one-on-one with a symbiotic virus. You’d think being white would have given me a better result than Indian Elon Musk.

I’m sorry I made you all miss another riveting episode of RMwRM, and most of all I’m sorry for putting subliminal messages in the audio from last weeks non-episode that’ll train you to love our show like we’re Josie and the Pussycats.

I Dream Of Sawsgiving

And I’m stronger than ever. Fully prepared for, not a scary day, but a mostly boring, and mind-numbing day, I pulled out my fruit platter and got to slouching.

Last year was 7 SAW movies in a row.

This year…EIGHT Nightmare on Elm St. movies. That’s over 12 hours of Fred Krueger, which is longer than Pinocchio’s nose after being tricked to answer questions at a furry convention.

Get to the episode, chumps.

Not Episode #50

DECEPTION!

If you came here expecting more of our regular witty bantz that keeps you from offing yourself, you best start start tying that hangman’s knot now.

Before you start pointing the blame to me you should know that this, like most things, is all Muller’s fault.

As it turns out the state of your immune system is directly proportionate to how much of a fucking pussy you are. It’s what happens when you spend your entire upbringing avoiding all the cool things us cool guys do, like watching Robocop, drinking gasoline, and eating rocks.

So here we are today, no new episode all because for Muller getting the common cold is enough to have your testicles fall off, invert your penis, and have it turn into a full fledged vagina.

But fret not!

The movie we were going to discuss was that stoopid Venom movie, and like most of these boring sooper hero movies, its not even worth talking about.

Seriously, these fucking sooper hero movies. I know I bitch about them like a broken record, but goddammit are these things boring as fuck.

I read a quote from one of the hack producers involved with the creation of this trash heap that said “we made this movie to feel like the works of John Carpenter and David Cronenberg but with more pop, more fun!” So… like the works of Carpenter and Cronenberg, but just completely not at all. They sure know how to make me excited about being in a movie theater.

As I got up to leave the second the credits hit the screen, I heard another person in the theater passively aggressively say aloud as I passed by them, “don’t they know to stay for the after credits scene?”. I think in some kind of bold attempt to make me feel ashamed.

Look idiot, I didn’t care what happened before the credits, like I give a fuck what happens after. I got the fuck out of the theater as fast as I possibly could.

And that’s all she wrote folks, these movies are so bland they aren’t even good for complaining about.

SAW ya later!

But the real take away from this post is this, SAWsgiving is upon us! That’s right, last year we sat down to watch all 7 (at the time) Saw movies IN ONE SITTING and this year we’re still dumb enough to do it again! BITCH!

But this time with a different franchise, hopefully something less miserable this time. You’ll have to tune in next time for the big episode 50 to find out!

I’ll give you a hint, if you’re hoping for me to tell, DREAM ON!

END

 

Episode #49 – Circle-jerking Predator, also “The Predator”

“Clever” artists are fucking retarded.

Take note of the keyword “clever” artists here. I have no problem with just regular artists who do their shit, create their art, and then ship it.

But this has nothing to do with them.

My cousin is a clever artist, and we had to write a slogan for a surrogacy agency that said “this is why we’re unique. This is why you should do business with us instead of competing agencies”.

Surrogacy is a weird fucking business where parents who can’t have kids get Tina Fey to have their baby for them.

Apparently, it’s really hard to get a woman to rip her vagina open to give birth to a baby that isn’t even theirs – can you believe women aren’t lining up for THAT opportunity!? But we took on the challenge anyway to try to encourage surrogates to sign up instead of wasting away their fat miserable lives eating Cheetos and tripping on the welfare office curb.

Clever cousin comes up with the be all end all slogan for our clients:

“Make Life Worth It”.

If you’re anything like me, you can smell padded bullshit anywhere. That slogan is the most boring corporate shit that you could ever think of. It could apply to literally any business whatsoever:

  • McDonald’s: Make Life Worth It!
  • Disneyland: Make Life Worth It!
  • Your local shitdive brothel: Make Life Worth It! (you know…because of the prostitutes)

I tried explaining this, only to receive the biggest line of bullshit I’ve ever been served (and I grew up in the farmlands):

“No, it’s actually perfect for them! Look at how much meaning is imbued in this slogan:

  • Make life = because the surrogates are MAKING a life!
  • Make life = because the surrogates are taking these couples, who are basically dead inside because they can’t have a baby, and they’re breathing life back into them with a baby!
  • Worth it = because the surrogates get paid a bit of money for their service, making it worth it for them.

How the fuck is anyone reading the line “make life worth it” going to think any of that shit? It’s not even a clever sort of clever: it’s a dumb ass sort of clever.

It turns out that you can be as clever as you want, but if you’re not good at translating that cleverness over to your audience, then it’s all just bullshit in your own fantasy mind where everyone can understand you.

This is what makes the original predator so great

Idiot sci-fi writers tend to just cram as much dumb future technology into their stories as they can, and it always ends up in the same result: no one fucking cares. That’s because it’s too alienating (pun fucking intended) for the audience, so your brain just kind of rejects it all.

See Valerian or Ready Player One for an in-depth breakdown of this phenomenon.

But predator knew better than that. In the original Predator, the predator just has a few pieces of futuristic, but rusty-looking tech. He’s got:

  • some heat vision
  • a cool laser

That’s mostly it. The rest of his tech is swords and shit, which is really easy for a general audience to take in.

The new predator, on the other hand, is just full of extra dumb shit:

  • predator dogs
  • predator ships with complex force field generators
  • giant predators
  • the predator killer (some dumb space suit that wraps around a human and turns them into a weapon)
  • predator invisibility balls (for just anyone to use!)
  • a bunch of other rat semen inventions that no one can even remember

This all adds up to something that’s the equivalent of “Make Life Worth It” – the writers think it’s genius, but no one on the outside has any idea what the fuck is going on.

Instead of watching “The Predator”, just pull out your copy of the original Predator and watch it twice. You’ll thank me now.

Episode #48 – The Happytime Murders

Do I really need to explain that this movie was bad?

I mean it doesn’t take long in the movie’s trailer for Melissa McCarthy to show up. That should be an immediate indicator as to the quality that you can expect.

I mean at this point ripping on Melissa McCarthy has become such a cliche on the internet that I would just feel cheap to regurgitate the same lazy pot shots that everyone is sick to death of. Come on people, is it really that unreasonable for Hollywood to finally showcase a female character with more realistic standards of beauty?

I don’t wanna be that guy, so instead I’ll just use some stills from this movie of Melissa McCarthy to fill the post.

People can be so cruel.

END

Episode #47 – 9 Month’s Of Fermenting Water Bottle Piss (Also Known As Corry), Jingle All The Way

A good story cuts to the chase – a classic rule.

Instead of derailing into five hundred mundane details like how your grandma baked great pies that were great, and your coworker also happens to like these sorts of pies, you want to get to the meat of your story and say just enough that your buildup and climax make sense (unlike this paragraph, which is ripe with mundane details).

Our guest Corry misread that classic rule as “a good story cuts the chase” because his stories include exclusively mundane details about sweeping up construction with a broom and how he wins Facebook 24-hour bidding competitions (oh wait, that was me).

Even this random idiot YouTuber knows how to fix your stories Corry – and he’s an idiot. Thanks for being on the show!

Episode #46 – Top Gun

Well this is embarrassing…

There’s nothing worse than another person catching you with a “OH MY GOD! YOU’VE NEVER SEEN  _____”. Clearly using this gotcha as a display of political positioning in the great game of social hierarchy that is our lives.

But now I must admit a story of great shame…

Up until this week I had never seen Top Gun.

I’ve heard the references. Maverick, Iceman, volleyball, and… weird teeth? But when the references go any further I’m always forced to play my hand and admit to having never seen it. The bewilderment from others reactions has always pushed me to the bottom of the pecking order.

But don’t be fooled, this story isn’t shameful because I hadn’t seen Top Gun. The reality is, I feel a great sense of shame only now for having actually watched it.

This movie fucking sucks and I’m embarrassed to now be a part of the social dreg that have seen it. Honestly, what kind of loser gets excited about a bunch of sweaty bros singing karaoke spliced between scenes of jets doing nothing? Let’s get the record straight, it’s you who should be ashamed for liking this shit.

So to all those who still haven’t seen top gun, the next time you get called out with a “OH MY GOD! YOU’VE NEVER SEEN TOP GUN!”, you just fire right back with a “OH MY GOD! YOU’VE SEEN TOP GUN!”

Let’s take it back, and Make Top Gun Shameful Again.

END

Episode #45 – Brokeback Mountain

My Butt Hurts

What’s the gayest movie you’ve ever seen? Hedwig and the Angry Inch? Party Monster? Pain & Gain?

Brokeback Mountain isn’t what I thought it’d be.

I expected a movie about gay cowboys eating pudding and kicking ass in the name of love. Instead, what I got was a cast of boring southwestern white trash dicking around for 2 hours. And Randy Quaid.

Shitter’s Full!

No, I’m not quoting Jack Twist here. I’m quoting some classic Randy Quaid! Uncle Eddie is probably my favourite fictional drunk character of his. A close 2nd is Russell Casse (from Independence Day, or ID4 as the cool kids called it back in the 90’s).

He spends the entirety of the movie completely piss drunk. And after a military debriefing on how to attack the alien ships at the end of the movie, they find out Randy was a former pilot in Vietnam and promptly start shoving coffee in his face to sober him up. They knowingly put a man, drunk off his ass, into a fighter jet as humanity’s last hope. Claiming he’d been abducted 10 years prior, he was eager to get his shots in.

As we joked in Episode 6 of RMwRM, we’re all pretty sure this wasn’t acting. They just had a camera follow around Randy Quaid for a few days and this is what they got.

I Wonder How Much Method Acting Jake & Heath Did To Prepare

Probably not as much as Michael and Oscar did for Gay Witch Hunt.

What Is Texas Known For Again?

Somebody remind me…

Episode #44 – Classy Cars Make You Better Than Everyone Else, Showgirls

Disclaimer: you’re really not going to know what the hell these posts are going on about if you haven’t listened to the first 30:00 of the episode.

A Real Man’s Guide To Morality

The best way to be a good person is to have better stuff than other people.

A real man drinks the best wine. He owns an upscale that acts as a status symbol to send signals to all the weaker men that he can dominate them. He’s the boss of other workers, and they know it.

Most importantly, he drives a classic car. This is the true hallmark of virtue.

Anyone that claims that their boring grey 2008 Hyundai Tucson is as cool a 1960 Pontiac is shitting themselves.

It turns out that Andy and Richard truly are bad people, displaying the egregious sin of pride in what’s clearly the height of arrogant self-deception.

Relativism Is For Pussies

Have you ever noticed how every time someone is about to lose an argument they just say some crap like “it’s subjective”?

That’s because they’re pussies who don’t understand the terms of the conversation. It’s like when someone says “Yeah, my 1989 Honda Accord is just as good as your Bugatti Veyron, because it’s subjective”.

No, it’s not. A Bugatti Veyron is $1.7 Million and your Honda Accord was “inherited” from your grandpa before he even died because he was just going to send it to the trash heap anyway.

You might “prefer” it, but it’s 100x more likely that you’d take the Bugatti given the choice. You’re just trying to make yourself feel better for not having something cool.

Relativism is about redefining the world around you so that everything works in your favor:

  • Don’t make as much money as your neighbor? “Money is just materialistic anyways” – now you’re a winner!
  • Does your friend have a hotter wife than you? “I’m more attracted to inner beauty” – win again!
  • Does your son have a better job than you? “Children are the future” – another win.

As you can probably infer, just put an asterisk* and then “AKA a lame way to make yourself feel better instead of trying harder” beside each of these bullet points.

It’s better to get a 4.0GPA than a 3.0GPA.

The fact of the matter is: some things are better than other things.

There’s a postmodern idea in western culture today that says everything is subjective and relative.

Newsflash: it’s fucking not. SOME things are subjective, and a whole lot of other things are objective.

Chocolate ice cream VS vanilla ice cream is subjective. Bugatti VS Honda is not. I personally would feel like a dick driving that ugly Bugatti, but at the very least I can sell the Bugatti and get a classy car I really want.

Episode #43 – Jurassic World 2

Speaking of dinosaurs…

Remember a time when every mainstream movie wasn’t a horrendous bloated cash grab? When big studios were willing to take a risk?

Remember when going to the theater was an experience of splendor and awe? How it filled your mind with a thrill of childlike wonder?

Remember as you spent more cash on another movie ticket not being reminded that you traded just some of your finite amount of time and life to earn it, just to waste it on more poorly written uninteresting drivel?

Remember not comparing the visuals and artistic direction to that of a fucking migraine? Not confusing the movie going experience with the fear of an impending aneurysm?

Remember the days when you didn’t go to a movie knowing it was going to be terrible just so you would have some fodder for your stupid podcast that nobody listens to? Days that you didn’t have to waste in the company of a goddamn Muller for some futile attempt to create content?

Remember never praying that the movie would get cut short by one of those frustrated gamers that decides to make the news by shooting up a theater?

Remember fun? Remember joy?

Ya, neither do I.

END

 

Episode #42 – Ocean’s 8

Ocean’s 77%

I’m sick of Hollywood re-imagining classic movies with predominantly male casts and simply replacing the roles with females and while bringing nothing new to the table.

Let’s quit making movies 77% as good as their male counterparts and instead refresh some female-led movies to make them 23% better! Here are some classics that desperately need a male re-imagining (despite how click baity that sentence was I won’t make you click to a different page to see each one!):

  • Sex and the City
  • Pretty Woman
  • Little Women
  • Legally Blonde
  • Atomic Blonde
  • Miss Congeniality
  • Steel Magnolias
  • Mean Girls
  • Thelma and Louise
  • Juno
  • There’s Something About  Mary
  • Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants
  • A League Of Their Own
  • Ghostbusters 2016

That Girl From The Bus

Sandy Bullocks is at her best as a wing man. The only movie she leads in that is worth any praise is THE NET! I can never get enough of that sweet 90’s internet-speak. Even the Costanza’s are big fans:

Sandy is at her best in a support role. She rocks in Speed, Demolition Man, Speed 2: Cruise Control, and ugh, what else is she in? Man, I’m really talking out of my butt here.

Oh yeah, she’s in Gravity! That one was kinda cool. But don’t be fooled into thinking George Clooney is anything but the lead in that movie.

Hold on a second…

Possible Connection Between Gravity and Ocean’s 11?

Is there a crossover between these 2 gigantic movie universes? In the Ocean’s extended universe, Sandy is George Clooney’s sister right? So did Clooney survive space? Maybe that was his biggest heist of all! He faked his own death and met Julie Roberts on Mars to live alone with all of their stolen riches. Classic Clooney.

Ocean’s 8 takes place before Gravity. Sandy thinks he is dead and in the Ocean’s 8 sequel, she and the gals plan a space heist against NASA. It won’t bring your brother back Sandy, just let it go.

Women Need Better Representation In 90’s Wrestling Promo Videos!

I’d like to see a woman do this justice:

Well, Goldust might be a poor example. He’s kind of fruity. But you get my point.

 

Episode #41 – Han Solo Is A Boring Cheesehead, And I Want To Automate Him Out Of A Job

Welcome to the most interesting post of your undeserved life.

Volvo announced this week that all cars launched after 2019 will be electric – bye bye oil industry! (1.39 million jobs).

LoupVentures automation report also shows that level 5 automation (the one where you take a nap or jerk off in the car in a…safer manner) will be 90% of all cars by 2040.

Don’t listen to cynical nihilists like Andy who want to convince you that the world is always the same and there’s no reason to try at anything. The world is getting better, and we’re starting by firing every one of you slack jaws with a useless blue collar job.

“Wahh, a computer can’t figure out how to how to deal with simple contingencies – they’ll never take my job”.

Google Chrome (the web browser that you’re using if your forehead is < than 10 inches tall) has 4,490,488 lines of code.

That’s almost 5 million lines.

What do you think those lines of code are for? Are they just there for fun…a joke to trick students?

Or maybe those fucking brilliant scientists have hundreds of thousands of lines of code meant to deal with every contingency and stupid error.

Remember when your web page freezes because some idiot designs their Superstore Click N Collect website to steal all your computer’s resources and get stuck in an infinite loop? Google Chrome does some cool thing where it says “Hey you gaping idiot, Google Chrome is frozen so we can kill that page for you so that your whole computer doesn’t crash”.

It’s almost as if engineers dedicate tons of time dealing planning for these contingencies, even today!

So Let’s Consider How We Could Automate Andy Out Of A Job

I wrote a good 200 words of explanation for how we could start to automate Andy’s job. But then I found this video – looks like Google automated me out of having to write this article.

Thank goodness robots can’t write comedy!

The robots in this video that you’re literally watching today certainly won’t impact you in your lifetime at all.

Yeah, that Amazon company is going nowhere, they’re just a small mom and pop shop with no real influence over anything. They certainly aren’t in a place to revolutionize the entire retail industry rapidly (a 27 trillion dollar industry). Walmart certainly isn’t already following suit either.

Go fuck yourself, you technophobe.

Episode #40 – Deadpool 2

Sigh…

Perhaps someday there will come a time when we can go more than 2 episodes without talking about sooper hero nerd shit to some degree.

Oh I know, I don’t say that statement expecting it to be anytime soon. I can say with certainty the next episode will likely be about the stupid Han Solo movie, basically a sooper hero movie. Not that long ago we were dumb enough to watch Ready Player One, a movie that sucks the dick of sooper hero movies. And I know the latest installment in the Mamma Mia! franchise is right around the corner (the Greek Avengers).

Essentially I end up watching 7 new movies I hate for every 1 that I actually end up liking. I would kill at least 3 Mullers to reverse that ratio, but no matter how many I kill it never seems to fix the problem.

Yet because of this wildly popular podcast my life is in this weird place where it has to be continually sacrificed to the Altar of Hate that is RMwRM. Without this childish nerd crap the podcast would likely cease to exist.

Something has to fuel the hate engine and I know that won’t happen if I’m sitting around watching A Serbian Film, The 120 days of Sodom, Irréversible, or any of my other favorite movies.

The engine will only continue to run on hate, and thus my foreseeable future will still be made up of sooper hero movies and Muller.

END

 

Episode #39 – Beyond: Dark Souls

Do you wake up in the morning, feeling like you were born in the wrong time? Wrong world? Wrong reality? Wrong gender?

There’s A Video Game For That!

On May 11, 2018, at 21:00 for approximately 3 hours, I was forced, against my will, to play Dark Souls 3.

I copied and pasted that last sentence from the police report I filed. The crime? Muller stealing my time, holding me hostage, and constantly “accidentally” brushing up against my calves with his face.

I dropped the charges after Muller agreed to buy me some nachos. BUT that doesn’t excuse this nerd’s wet dream of a game. We’ve often criticized nerds for blindly rallying behind the things they love without actually understanding what makes those things great (see our award-winning episode on Ready Player One).

DS3 is a simple hack & slash game made by some losers who binged the extended editions of all the Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones way too many times. Just like using big jargon fantasy words doesn’t make a “story” more meaningful, simply ripping off the characters from these fantasy franchises without adding any substance doesn’t make it good! And it’s very obviously a knock-off.

These game designers should be stuffed inside a high school locker where their ideas can’t hurt us. I use the word “ideas” incredibly loosely.

I Remember My First Mead

Let’s look at a REAL RPG.

Dragon Warrior is the first and last RPG you ever need. Forget Final Funtasy! Super Mario RPG? Don’t need it. Secret of Mana? A game with that misogynist name needs to be stricken from the records!

Check out this sweet boss fight.

I Remember Back In The Day When A Checkpoint Was A Checkpoint

Muller: “Hey, light this bonfire. But it’s not a “checkpoint”, it’s a spawn point.”

Braden: “But Muller, I restart here, so it sorta is like a checkpoint”.

Muller: “It’s not a checkpoint. All the things that happen in the game stay the same. It’s like real life, man. That’s why I like it so much. Dark Souls 3 helps me escape my meaningless, jobless life.”

Braden: “Okay but all the guys re-spawned. That doesn’t make sense. How is it a checkpoint then?”

Muller: “It’s NOT A CHECKPOINT! You have to fight all the guys again. This game makes you earn things. Like in Jordan Peterson’s book, he talks about playing Dark Souls 3 is how to approach life. In life, you need to…”

Braden: “That’s nice. Where’s the next checkpoint? Whoa! Hi Jordan Peterson! I didn’t see you there.”

J.P.: “Hey guys. Don’t listen to Muller. This game was made by post-modern neo-Marxists to trick you into thinking you are doing constructive things with your life.”

Muller: “Hi Mr.Peterson. I’m your biggest fan. Can you autograph my wiener?”

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Episode #38 – Old Man Muller Hates Expensive Coffee, Brendan Fraser’s “The Mummy”

Back in my day, breakfast and coffee were cheap. You could pay a nickel for a dime and a peep show was half a penny.

Sounds like some real typical baby boomer thinking, doesn’t it?

Or maybe it’s some real rational thinking where you don’t want to throw away your money on cultural trends. Paying $3 for swill diner coffee is the equivalent to paying an extra $4 for a 3D movie because the new Avengers was only in 3D – you’re only okay with it because everyone else was doing it

Oh, what a beacon of intelligence we’ve had on our show this week: “You should pay more for coffee because coffee places discovered that consumers are too dumb to want to pay less for worthless coffee”.

Sounds like the work of garbage libertarian beliefs if I’ve ever heard any.

Or at least some bastardized version of libertarian beliefs where you don’t need to get value for your money.

What is money?

The concept of money is simple: you give something of value (stacks of Benjamins), and they give you something of equal value in return.

You might have had a situation in your life where you got less value in return for your Jeffersons. There’s a name for people like you: fucking rubes.

It doesn’t make you smart to overpay for crappy diner coffee because you’re following along with the status quo: it makes you an idiot.

You know who else liked overpaying for crap?

Episode #37 – Snowpiercer

REBIRTH!

I honestly thought this was the end for RMwRM.

After the events of the last episode, in which we watched the most bleak post-apocalyptic dystopia movie I’ve ever seen, Ready Player One. It’s not dystopian in its subject matter, but in the desolate state the movie industry is left in its wake.

A nightmare world where the only movies left that aren’t sooper hero movies, are ones that replace the story with references to sooper hero movies.

If Ready Player One can be called a movie, then the thought of watching another movie made me sick.

In a last ditch effort I managed to drive a few towns over to one of the only theaters available playing Isle of Dogs. The latest wankfest from hipster trash auteur, Wes Anderson. Being the contrarian basement-dwelling loser that I am, I felt completely rejuvenated by the warmth of Wes Anderson’s hot cum as it drenched my face and covered my body in perfect symmetry.

No. They cannot win. Someone has to let the people know that they are disgusting in liking the things they do. They have to feel bad. They need to know shame. I want to live in a world where people are so afraid to talk about their interests that they just don’t.

It’s time to derail another beloved trainwreck.

More like NOpiercer

 

Snowpiercer is a movie that can fuck right off.

Somehow I allowed its widespread critical praise to fool me into thinking it would be good enough to bother watching. I forgot that widespread critical praise doesn’t account for widespread critical retardation.

What I can’t figure out is if people only like it because having Chris Evans star in the movie can be considered a reference to a sooper hero movie or if it’s because it makes them feel smart for having the same kind of rich social commentary that can be found in the lyrics of a song written by a 14 year old’s garage punk band.

Wow, I never thought that class inequality was bad before. Thanks Snowpiercer Man for this brilliant takedown of every society ever.

Really this movie just made me dream of a class system where people who like this movie are stuffed into the back train cabs that are then diverted over to a one way track to Auschwi…

END

 

Episode #35 – Fishes With Penises, Monkey On Man Sex, The Shape Of Water, Congo

Why Did They Forget To Show Fantastic Mr. Fox’s Penis On Screen?

Was it an artistic decision? Did Wes Anderson feel that it wouldn’t contribute to the story enough?

Maybe he thought it wasn’t appropriate for a children’s movie to have graphic penises on screen?

Whatever the reasoning was, he was wrong. Anytime an animal is pretending to be a human on screen, you need to show off that animal’s penis to prove it.

“Come on, lemme see your penis!”

It’s the perfect question to verify almost anything, such as whether you’re:

  • fit to be a boss at a corporation
  • likely to be good at skateboarding
  • good at writing essays
  • able to hold an argument without resorting to fruitless ad-hominem attacks
  • good at directing movies that have fish penis in them

It’s also the perfect question to validate whether The Shape Of Water was a good movie or not. It turns out that he’s not going to show you his fish penis.

Fine then, be that way. Just coincidentally I’m not going to be able to show you a good review on your shitty penis-less movie.

See you next time Guillermo Del Penis!

Episode #34 – The Lawnmower Man

BEWARE THE INTERNET!

Modern interactions online might have you fearful of the dangers that unfiltered ideas could have on our culture and society. Many leftist/progressive/liberal types seem to argue that free speech is perhaps not the ultimate virtue it’s purported to be.

But those people are all annoying.

They’re constantly pissing and moaning about “oh boo hoo, you shouldn’t make fun of people just to make yourself feel big” or “waahhh, certain groups in society have been unfairly marginalized in a way that keeps them at the bottom of a social hierarchy”.

Annoying.

Look I’m just trying to call my friend a fag cause he sits down to pee, and only chicks sit down to pee. Could you fuck off for just a minute with the accusations of sexism and homophobia. Let me get this outta my system before we enter political discourse, or else I’ll bring it there.

It’s always been bizarre to me that my generation (the older end of millennial), the one that grew up having to defend the non-effects of violent video games/movies/music/violence on culture against annoying aging religious prudes, is now the generation screaming about the negative effects of hilariously homophobic jokes on modern culture to aging people espousing the merits of free ideas.

God I miss the Wild West days of the internet.

With how much my generation was constantly integrating cruder and more offensive media into everyday life, I really always thought we’d be the ones shoving old ladies over to ensure a better spot in the grocery line.

“Out of the way you old bag, it’s my time now!”

Where did we go wrong?

Speaking of the dangers of technology and culture…

Today’s episode is all about The Lawnmower Man.

A movie that also feared the dangers that unchecked technological progress might have, based on absolutely NO understanding of how any of that technology actually works. How’s that for tying it all together?

Lawnmower Man deserves at least an honorable mention in the grand list of “so bad it’s funny movies”, that it so far has been excluded from.

A monkey dressed like Robocop engaging in gunfire, some widowed cougar banging the local retarded boy, virtual killer bees on the loose, and a man’s brain being eaten by some other dood that has a lawnmower for a mouth.

If that doesn’t entice you to consider giving it a watch then I don’t know what will. At the very least you could give our episode a listen instead, so I can bask in the sweet sweet satisfaction of a high number of downloads to fill the void that a lack of actual achievement has created.

END

 

Episode #33 – 2001: A Space Odyssey

This Isn’t Your Uncle’s Space Odyssey

I wonder if 2001: A Space Odyssey freaked out pending astronauts who first landed on the moon the following year. Did Neil or Buzz find a monolith on the moon? Is there a giant space baby floating around out there? Probably not. This is why Stanley Kubrick should’ve also filmed the moon landing.

Not only did the Kubemeister broaden our minds by having us question our existence, purpose, and what it means to be human in his 2001: A Space Odyssey. He also touched our hearts with the lovable HAL 9000.

I often wonder about the previous HAL versions. What was the original HAL like? What do we know about the human who his voice is based on? Who was his original creator? What changes were made that led to the HAL 1000, 2000, 3000, etc. These are questions we all have. Come to think of it, Kubrick really missed out on some serious box office bling! Just imagine a 2001: A Space Odyssey extended universe!

There could be a movie about all of the HAL models and what led to HAL 9000. Perhaps future HAL models were created with more restrictive prime directives like Robocop so they couldn’t harm humans again. Or maybe the HAL robots took over the world and enslaved humanity. There are so many exciting possibilities!

We could have a movie about the apes at the beginning of the movie. After they learn to kill they quickly learn how to walk and talk. They could ride horses and shoot machine guns. What’s not to love? I guess there could’ve been some serious legal backlash with the Planet of the Apes franchise though.

We also missed out on at least 1 movie where the space baby goes on adventures to new worlds, helping other civilizations transcend into space babies.

This baby is a powerful symbol. I’m surprised Planned Parenthood hasn’t lobbied to have this movie banned. Or least try to have it edited into an ending where the universe decides it doesn’t want its space baby any longer and aborts it.

You can’t tell the universe what it can and can’t do with its body!

Men Are Neat

But male robots are much neater! Thinking about Hal 9000 has me reminiscing about my favourite robots:

Call Me Kenneth from the Judge Dredd comics

ED-209 from Robocop

Walter, Judge Dredd’s robot butler

Robocop

And who could forget Johnny 5 from Short Circuit

When is the Judge Dredd/Robocop/Short Circuit crossover going to happen? Come on Netflix! You make everything into a series. This one pretty much writes itself!

Genisys IS Skynet

Wait, how did we get back here?

Just go listen to the episode! You can see how silly these postmodernist Muller and Jono are for ripping on such a classic film. I mean movie. Damn it. Now I look pretentious too. I’m just going to drive to the nearest foundry and hop into a lava pit. See ya!

Episode #32 – Insane Clown Posse

You can never complain enough about your friends.

Friends talk about you behind your back and tell people about your athlete’s foot. They smoke in your house and then bring their dogs over without putting foot gloves on them to keep your floor from getting scratched.

When you’re trying to improve your life, your friends are the ones holding you back from a brighter future. Think about it – you’re the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with.

Therefore, the useless garbage that you are today is because of your 5 closest friends – it’s entirely their fault.

You’d be a much better person if your closest friends were better people. But they’re not, so you’re stuck in that flesh sack you like to call a body until it rots away.

That’s why I’m a part of this show in the first place – I’m committed to complaining about my friends, so I put all my complaints online on stone tablets so no one can doubt my sacrifice.

You’ll have an easier time convincing people that the holocaust was real than convincing them that I don’t hate my friends – two unlikely scenarios.

The Most Important Reason To Complain About Your Friends

The hatred you have for your friends only leads to one logical conclusion – you hate yourself.

And you should hate yourself because you’ve never written a book or spoken publicly or been involved in a Hollywood sex scandal: all important markers of success.

I heard some liberals say that the best way to stop hating yourself is to take a personality test, analyze your positive and negative personality traits, and then make a plan for your life that multiplies your strengths and minimizes/compensates for your weaknesses.

What a bunch of fags. The best way to stop hating yourself is this: don’t. Self-hatred is an important part of a man’s psyche. It’s the thing that drives him to be better (besides sex).

Or it drives him to suicide: either option is preferable to watching the Insane Clown Posse movies though, and not in a good way.

Episode #31 – Swimfan?

Is there anything more annoying than Moms on Facebook?

Normally I love when people expose the moronic thoughts going on their thick skull because it’s the perfect opportunity to ridicule them in front of a large audience, making them feel small while simultaneously showing everyone how much better of a human I am.

And Moms constantly post the dumbest shit on social media.

Stupid copy and paste “posting this to see who responds” horseshit, messages to specific people that they instead posted to everyone because they still don’t understand how the internet works, and the occasional self-absorbed cause that they don’t realize nobody cares about, like “the right to breastfeed in public”.

The worst is the pictures of their kids, dogs, and food just sitting there doing nothing. The only time a picture of food is worth looking at, is if it’s being thrown at someone. Same goes with kids and dogs.

Being that I feel no remorse in publicly shaming these kinds of people, you’d think I’d be in heaven with the constant showcase of mental inadequacy. If it was anyone other than my Mom I wouldn’t care about upsetting them, but I don’t wanna end up missing out on a free meal from time to time.

I guess I just want people to realize nobody actually cares about any of the dumb shit you care to post about.

Speaking of which, here’s a post about today’s episode!

I know you probably thought to yourself “I don’t want to listen to a bunch of idiots talking about Swimfan for any amount of time”. Don’t worry, neither did we, so we didn’t.

Swimfan is probably the movie equivalent of “posts by your Mom” in terms of things you want to hear about. But we managed to make a case for why it will ruin your life without actually discussing anything about it at all.

You’re welcome.

Speaking of things that will ruin your life, remember the endings of Alf and Dinosaurs?

I think most people will remember these two shows as innocent, fun for the whole family, but likely dated TV shows from the late 80s/early 90s. And you’d be right, but what you probably don’t remember is that both of these shows ended so fucking bleak that you’d think I wrote them as some kind of overly elaborate prank to traumatize children. You’re right to think I’m that sadistic, but wrong to think I’m not that lazy.

Here’s the ending clip of Dinosaurs that we mention on the show. (spoiler alert, everybody dies and nobody is ready to accept it)

I always imagined that Real Movies with REAL Men will have a similarly bleak ending, but the more I think about it, there’s probably a good chance it will end by me and Braden murdering Muller and then being unable to figure out how to record more episodes on our own.

Nothing bleak about that.

END

Episode #30 – Event Horizon

Time Is An Illusion

This is one of the many insightful quotes from Jigsaw that we’ve referenced on the show. It is also the only redeeming quality about Saw IV.

Muller takes this quote very seriously, as we have yet to perfectly nail down the exact formula for Muller time. As Andy has said before, accounting for a whole gamut of variables is what makes it tough, but we can usually predict within a few hours. Or so we thought.

The Firewood Variable

We are Real Movies With Real Men are charitable gents. We decided to celebrate Christmas the best way we know how: getting our friends together for a movie night to watch Ghoulies and Ghoulies 2! I asked to have the gathering on the Saturday before Christmas but Muller specifically said that Saturday didn’t work for him, and that he could make it if we did it Friday.

Fast forward to that Friday. It is now after 8:00 pm, and everyone has shown up and waited over 30 minutes. We finally get a text from Muller saying that he was busy with one of his weirdo cousins loading and unloading “firewood” (whatever that is code for) and to start without him.

We had a movie night on a specific night so he could make it, and he doesn’t even show up!

He did eventually make it for the end of Ghoulies and stayed around for Ghoulies 2. But leading up to his arrival I kept thinking to myself,

Man, Jigsaw finally got to Muller’s head. Time really IS an illusion. Maybe this explains Mullertime all along. But…maybe…no, it can’t be…there’s no way…but it just makes too much sense…

Muller IS Jigsaw!!!!!

Muller refers to the movie “Event Horizon” as the first Saw experience when in fact it was just one of his many torture devices. He put us through Event Horizon to watch us writhe and squirm out of boredom.

Then a few weeks later, he took us to that crappy Chinese place we’ve talked about “Chong Qing” in his family’s soccer mom van. Another test of our pain threshold. A test we failed because we did not eat our food the way Muller expected us to. A test we failed because we did not share our food with everyone like a gang of hobos crowded around a barrel fire passing around the last can of beans. A test we failed because out of protest for the ludicrousness of chopsticks, I snapped mine in half right at the table.

In retrospect, I probably should’ve been more careful. I could’ve woken up in shackles with 60 seconds to free myself by picking my lock with chopsticks, or else the Papa Murphy’s pizza oven I’d be trapped in would shut forever, baking me into a pizza of my own ignorance and hate. If only I had loved life more and not been dead inside…

It’s not my fault chopsticks suck. Anyways.

“I’m Not Late. It’s Always Mullertime Baby”

Muller is intentionally late just to drive us crazy and keep us guessing. He’s an unpredictable madman! And there’s the overselling of restaurants to find they are only just mediocre at best. Then there’s the movies he hypes that end up being incredibly boring and dull.

These are his Jigsaw Tortures!

Jigsaw has been reincarnated into a millennial hipster with ADD whose passive aggressive torture schemes make him the worst Jigsaw yet. He may be a jerk but he’s a more tolerable Jigsaw than Detective Jigaw. Or Bride of Jigsaw. Or Dr.Jigsaw. How many Jigsaws were there?

We hardly discuss Saw on this episode, but that’s the beauty of Sawsgiving. It just keeps giving and giving. And if you have no idea what I’m talking about, go listen to episode 24.

This should be the only “saw” any of us ever need:

Episode #29 – The Last Jedi

Shame is the glue that holds a rotting, festering society together.

And a wise man once told me that “Yammering on and on about something I want to emphasize and showcase how funny it is in case you didn’t initially understand what I was trying to say is the soul of wit”.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that this post is going to be short. Because I forgot to write the episode post until now. Aand my sister is about to have a baby so I have to rush off to the hospital soon.

I’m going to the hospital because I’d lose face if I didn’t go visit my newly born nephew. See? Shame is working already. I promise though, I had a whole thing planned out where I was going to explain the entire methodology for how shame holds society together. Trust me.

Cheers,

Muller

Ps. I say nephew not because we already know the sex of the baby, but because if it’s a girl they won’t bother calling the family. Straight to the dumpster.

Pss. This episode contains by far my favorite story we’ve shared to date.

Psss. Oh, I can’t help myself. Here are all the ways shame glues society together:

  • Shame keeps homeless people from picking themselves up by their bootstraps and integrating into normal society. This is problematic because once a homeless person looks like everyone else, it becomes difficult to be sure that the person you’re abusing is indeed homeless, and not a regular person. You might end up in jail – big problem!
  • Shame keeps disgusting perverted behavior in the bedroom and off the streets.
  • Shame keeps people in church paying attention to the sermon, rather than just playing Sudoku on their phones.
  • Shame keeps people from napping at their jobs.
  • Shame keeps people from farting in meetings

One theme amongst all of these things is that shame hasn’t stopped me from doing any of these things. That’s because I wasn’t born with shame. Similar to people who have no morals, my lack of shame gives me an edge over any normal member of society.

Don’t drop the soap.

 

Episode #28 – Star Trek Into Asterios

It’s okay to be a nerd, it’s just not okay to be proud of it

With a new Star Wars coming out this weekend, also brings forth droves of annoying fanboys, frothing at the mouth to the thought of going home after the movie and cuddling up to their porg shaped body pillows. But before they can clean that poor body pillow of the cum stains following a night of dry humping, you’ll be sure to see some of their stupid reaction videos on the YouTube with all their friends trying to prove to each other who can become Disney’s most cum stained body pillow.

Reaction videos for trailers, reaction videos for trailers to the trailers, reaction videos for unboxing some stupid nerd toy, reaction videos to sniffing Daisy Ridley’s stolen used panties that they acquired through some perverted backdoor internet bidding site.

I have never seen a demographic more easily manipulated than the current nerd culture. I think they might be worse than 13 year old girls with modern hit boy band Hanson. Kids still like Hanson right?

The only reaction they should have is shame. Shame from realizing their whole identity is predicated on sucking the dick of some marketing executive that knows exactly where to go to expel every ounce of bodily fluid as quickly and carelessly as possible.

Fuck you, you stupid nerds.

Now onward to our lengthy point-by-point breakdown of a Star Trek movie

Special guest Asterios Kokkinos comes stumbling into the episode late, covered in some kind of thick white substance that he assures us is just tzatziki sauce, and nothing to do with any kind of private audition with a Disney executive producer. It was hard to tell over FaceTime, so we’ll take his word for it.

Calling in all the way from New York to expel a different kind of bodily excrement (the brown kind) all over Star Trek Into Darkness.

I can assure you, this was far more Star Trek than I ever cared to talk about, and ever will again. Thank goodness we had the enjoyment of watching Muller actually break a sweat trying to conquer the logistics of recording a conversation between us and some dood pretty much all the way across the continent.

Look, you might think you’re such a clever fuck for pointing out that a show “with REAL men” is actually just a bunch of losers sitting around Saturday night recording themselves talking about Star Trek. But listen, you (not clever) fuck, the distinction lies in how much shame I felt doing so. As stated in an early forgotten post on this very site, the world would be a better place if everyone was just a little bit more ashamed of themselves.

A REAL man can admit this.

END

Episode #27 – Stranger Things 2

Real Movies with REAL Men 2: REAL Men In The Big City

As I enter the 2nd year of RMwRM I take this time to reflect on all the things I’ve done, which as a man means reflecting on all the things I’ve done wrong. Perhaps I could have been a bit tougher on a certain movie. Maybe I wasn’t rude enough to one of our special guests. Perhaps I loved too much… which is any amount at all.

I find myself pondering just what it is to be a REAL man. Most would consider this someone who builds a better world today to benefit the people of tomorrow. Modern internet police would have you believe that men are actually the opposite, someone who keeps today’s world in ruins only to benefit himself, and you know what, they’re right.

Though they say it as if it’s a bad thing. But what better display of strength than proving I can destroy anything built by others, who mistakenly thought I wouldn’t.

A REAL man has to stand taller than the rest, on the ruins of what everyone else worked their hardest to achieve.

Ruined Things

So looking back at year one, what can I take pride in saying I truly ruined? Well you could say I started small, started with something weak, the weakest thing I know actually. That thing is Muller.

When I first met Muller he was as bright-eyed and good-willed as they come. But I took him under my wing and showed him what the world really is, a pile of starch and empty calories to be chewed up and spit out on the face of those who love it.

But now after one year and the events of SAWSgiving I am releasing him out into the wild to turn all the joy in your life to ash. And this episode, Stranger Things 2 will be that ash.

Even a cynic such as myself can take season 2 of Stranger Things for what it is. A decent follow up that ultimately didn’t meet the expectations of the first.

But Muller didn’t seem willing to accept it as that. The slight smell of blood was enough to excite the nostrils, as he sunk his teeth into the flesh of everyone’s Netflix darling. Like a hungry, rabid dog with an appetite for destruction leaving no room to accept anything less.

Looking at the torn up corpse of Stranger Things 2 only serves as evidence of how much I’ve ruined Muller’s once good-spirited character. I suppose most would feel guilty about taking such optimism and covering it in blood and filth, but I actually feel pretty good about it. Even though I felt Stranger Things 2 was mostly decent, I can take pride in my ability to create a monster that wants to destroy it.

The first step in creating a new world of degeneracy in the ruins of the old world. Muller was just year one…

END

 

Episode #26 – Uncharted 4, Heavy Rain

History In The Making

Pretty soon the word “history” will be deemed offensive because it starts with “his”. This word implies that history belongs to men. It will be changed to “herstory” by some radical feminists out of spite, but will eventually devolve into the inoffensive “theirstory”. Did you know the word “Mystery” used to be spelled “Mistery”? We should probably prepare for the following words to get censored:

  • MANsion
  • BOYcott
  • MANufacture
  • Mail
  • cHIMpanzee
  • tHE
  • MANhattan
  • HISpanic
  • flamBOYant

However, words like “Manslaughter” will remain as is.

But I digress. I note this episode as being historic not because we discuss a video game as a movie (this isn’t even the the 1st time we’ve done this  – THANKS MULLER). And not because we’ve collectively outed anyone who identifies as an “ally” to any social cause as someone who also sits down to pee. And especially not just because this is our first episode in months without an annoying, know-it-all guest who fans keep telling us all need to form a coup together and pry this show away from us (after we’re brutally murdered of course).

Because we deliver your weekly movie hate every second week, episode 26 marks our sort of anniversary! The same way that This Is 40 was advertised as a “sort of sequel” to Knocked Up. Just kidding. The only way anything related to Judd Apatow makes it into our content is to make fun of his “work”, or his ugly face. Shots fired. Take that, Dudd Apatow!

Really Guys? ANOTHER Video Game Brought In As A Movie?

Again, I feel like I should blame Muller for this, but we all contributed to this idea. Now let’s not compare the previous masterpiece of a game Mullerboy brought it, Donkey Kong Country 2, to these newer garbage games.

With the exception of newer indie games that were inspired by the older generations of gaming, most of my gaming comes from consoles released in the 90’s, and sometimes the GameCube. And in my defense, before you call me a sellout for liking Gamecube, it has 2 different Mega Man collections, like 6 Resident Evil titles, and Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem.

Man guys I’m such a nerd. Let’s go do some homework, watch The Big Bang Theory, Neil deGrasse Tyson lectures, and alternate marathons of the Star Wars prequels and *insert lame Marvel franchise*.

Unsharted 4

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be the best white guy at parkour? Ever wonder what it would be like as a young boy to sneak around a Catholic orphanage after hours? Do you love your brother so much that you ditch your wife all the time to commit heists in exotic countries, further complicating your incestuous feelings towards one another? What if I told you there’s a magical game that mixes all these things AND features close to 8 Hours of cut scenes and quick time events?

These were things I had never contemplated in my life until I watched part of a play through of Uncharted 4. I would rather take a 15 Hour dump than play through this game. I once lost 7lbs after a 2 hour bowel movement I took when I was 17. The next day I bragged about in English class while I ate tuna out of a can. It didn’t sound as cool and/or funny as it did in my head.

The whole time I was watching this Uncharted 4 play through, I kept wondering when Drake was going to pop some Advil. Let’s be real. This is the 4th game. There is no way this guy doesn’t have some muscle or joint inflammation from all the jumping around he does. The commentator on a play through I sort of watched kept talking about how exciting the game play was. All I could think was “Somebody get this guy a protein shake!”.

Nathan and Drake Are The Same Guy

I had the above revelation during the show. Moving on.

I’m Hungry

I’ll be right back, I just need to grab a box of Milk Judds.

Heavy Rain Is A Tale Of Envy

David Cage spent his whole life living in the shadows of his cooler older brother Johnny Cage. Legend has it that his venture into the gaming world, and creating games that are movies themselves, is his way of trying to show up Johnny. As a Hollywood action movie star, turned pro fighter and video game icon, it’s hard to top such a cool cat. I’m not sure why David would even try.

Just look into those eyes.

Now look at this guy. I’d be depressed and overcompensating in my professional life too.

Davey Cage – Take Some Notes

If you just want to make some movies, then quit half-assing it and make one! Start by watching every movie Judd Apatoe has been involved with.

And then kill yourself.

Man I’m Still Hungry

I better go, dinner is ready now. Time for a Spud Apatow!

Wait

Andy gives us GREMLIN OF THE YEAR this episode. That’s probably the only good reason to tune in this week.

Muller and friend of the podcast Jason recorded this preview of a Heavy Rain sequel back in 2015. It was so good that Dave Cage thought it was a game HE made after he watched it. What an idiot. He’s not this clever.

Episode #25 – Blade Runner, Master Of Disguise

Being gay isn’t a crime, and it shouldn’t be.

But making gay movies like Blade Runner should be. Have you seen the colors in the original Blade Runner? All sorts of greens and blues, and pinks – what could be gayer than pink?

How about that poetry Andy read straight at the beginning of our episode? You know, the one from the original 1982 Blade runner?

If poetry isn’t the definition of gay, then I don’t know what is.

Speaking of things that I don’t know are gay, it turns out I’m receiving an award from the Society of Sitters for advocating for the rights of minorities nationwide.

An Award For Supporting Minorities

I never realized how great I was until I noticed I was doing something in the minority: peeing sitting down. I thought I was just a normal everyday guy until I realized I could be a superhero for sitters everywhere by revealing my dark past.

What a future: paid public speaking gigs, acting gigs, Muller-branded toilet seats – all ways I can use my newfound power to encourage sitters everywhere. Don’t worry sitters: soon you’ll be getting discount toilet paper and sponsors for no-zip jeans.

We can finally form an alliance against the standers, once and for all.

I call it the SS – Sitters against Standers.

Anyone using non-inclusive standing-only language will be silenced or economically crippled. Schools will teach young children to accept sitting as normal behavior, and that if they DON’T want to sit, then they’re sitphobic – and you can take that to the bank!

Sitters can sit tall nationwide – all under the banner of the SS!

Now let’s kill this joke while we’re ahead; before a mob of SJW’s finds an incriminating tweet in yet another role model’s life so we can steal his job and shame him into silence, biding his time until he can vote for a conservative candidate as revenge.

Being Angry Definitely Shouldn’t Be A Crime

But ruining the audio during the intro to the podcast because he can’t shut the hell up sounds exactly like the type of thing a woman would do. Instead, it’s our “real man” Andy, screaming at the top of his lungs

The funny thing is that his voice ended up sounding pretty tinny and echoey instead of strong and powerful – all because he had to back up from the mic rather than just controlling himself.

Great job, none of us.

Real Movies With REEL Men

As promised, here’s a clip that our guest JonoVision produced for us a few years ago.

And JonoVision said I wasn’t a visionary – what a fool.

To make good on another promise…

…Here’s A Picture Of Muller As A 13-Year-Old

Tricked you. Turns out that the above phrase is all you need to get on some government pedophilia watchlist. Better watch your back!

Ps. I’m on the left. My parents didn’t even make me use a helmet when biking with that hair.

Episode #24 – SAWSgiving

To be truly alive, is to be dead on the inside

Of course it doesn’t hurt to be dead on the outside as well. I can’t stress enough the freedom of completely embracing rock bottom on all fronts. But it’s what’s on the inside that truly counts, and if you want to live happily as a man it’s best that be nothing but charcoal and sawdust.

Think of all the times someone close to you has shared pictures of their fucking ultrasound. No, it doesn’t look like you. No, I don’t see the head. And no, it certainly isn’t adorable. 

The only thing it resembles is a static screen on an old tube television. But at least that eventually leads to finding the right channel to play some SNES.

I don’t even want to know the amount of times I’ve narrowly avoided an aneurysm being subjected to such drivel. I’ve learned the best way to bypass an early stroke is to completely remove whatever emotional core is trying to digest this shit so that it just passes through your system completely unnoticed.

Then the next time you’re looking at yet another persons boring engagement photos the husband was forced into, you can calmly say “oh wow, I’m so happy for you”, throw them back on table for their next victim, and keep your blood from clotting long enough to continue thinking about the funniest way to kill yourself.

A man can only be at peace when he’s dead inside.

Hey, speaking of funny ways to kill yourself…

MERRY SAWSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

I speak of course of that special time of year when you sit down with a few of your less than intelligent buds and trick them into watching all seven Saw movies for your own sadistic form of amusement.

This might sound like a terrible idea, and it is.

But when some loser you know is crying about how scared he is to watch the Saw movies and all the nightmares he has just thinking about them, it’s your duty to destroy their lust for life, cripple them emotionally, and release them back into the world as a new man. Empty and cold. A REAL man.

Of course this all comes at a price, as you too will be subjected to watching about eleven hours of Saw. Just remember what I said about being dead inside, and you should be fine.

For my friends this was an unwanted journey of rebirth, but for me this episode is the story of how I, your trusted hero… BECAME THE NEW SAW!!!

Hopefully this new upcoming Saw movie can capture the spirit of my altruism.

Saw ya later!

Come back next episode for Passion of the Christ-mas, where we’ll be watching Passion of the Christ eight times in one sitting.

END

 

Episode #23 – IT, It, iTt

Let’s Get Right To IT

Did you get It? Did you get THAT too? I’m never going to tire of all the fun word games people have engaged in with the movie/TV miniseries/encyclopedia “IT”.

I’m gonna cut right to the chase here. Now by saying that I will “cut to the chase”, I’m actually creating more for you to read instead of just stating what it is I’m thinking. If I really wanted to “cut to the chase”, I should have just started the paragraph with whatever it is I wanted to say. By doing so, I would have “cut to the chase” by just “cutting to the chase” by cutting “cut to the chase” and I would’ve also avoided using that annoying phrase “cut to the chase”.

Where does this phrase come from anyways? The Medieval sewers of the English language one would assume. Perhaps it was bestowed upon us by of an all-powerful space turtle.

I guarantee Steven King has never heard the expression. 1100+ pages just to tell a story about an alien clown spider who lives in a storm drain and watches a group of preteens gang bang one of their friends? Come on Ol’ Stevie Boy.

The Poor Man’s R.L.Stine

Steve needs to take a page out of R.L.Stine’s book. Just a page, not 1100 of them. Stine knows how to write a good succinct story. Most of his novels are less than 200 pages, and they’re so well-written that even a kid can understand them!

What’s that? King’s “books” have been used as source material for various films and television series? Well Stine’s books got turned into 4 seasons of television! Has King ever been so beloved that a movie was made where he was a main character and had to battle all of the monsters from his various books?

Stine is an author so good that Sony just couldn’t settle on one book, they had to take all the best things from his most popular books and cram them all into one feature length film…and release it in October…and have Jack Black play R.L.Stine…yeah that sounds like something Sony would do.

But still, R.L.Stine has upped Steve King at every turn.

Who would you rather do?

 VS 

Even M.Night Shyamalan has blatantly ripped off ideas from R.L.Stine’s novels. For a critical analysis of this, listen to my segment on Episode 8 regarding The Sixth Sense. Prepare to be enlightened.

What’s So Scary About It?

I mean, did Stevie K. just rip off Bozo The Clown for the 1990 IT miniseries? I remember watching The Bozo Show early Sunday mornings and thinking about how stupid all the kids were. They wouldn’t have stood a chance against my increasingly hairy upper lip and quickly maturing calves.

No, there weren’t kid contestants on this show like in Uh Oh! My aggressive and angsty 10 year old self just wanted to fight the kids in the studio audience.

But I still remember thinking Bozo was funny. What an idiot I was.

IT’s Influence Felt ‘Round The World

Thanks to the godsend of 1990, a generation of children from the 80’s and 90’s have carried on an irrational fear of clowns.

One thing we can thank IT for is its popularization of clowns into mainstream media. I wrote my PhD Thesis on this subject. If it weren’t for Thyme Curry, we most certainly wouldn’t have Doink, one of the most iconic wrestlers of the 90’s:

Here’s another classic: Vulgar. This gem from 2000 is about a party clown for kids. Here’s a shot that sums this movie up perfectly:

 

Let’s not forget the 1988 klassic Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Okay, this came out before 1990, but I’ll take any excuse to talk about KKFOS. ANY EXCUSE.

If you’ve ever had the urge to watch a shadow puppet devour a crowd of people or watch humans get turned into cotton candy, then this is your movie. Now let’s watch a guy get pied to death:

Well That’s All…WAIT I Didn’t Even Talk About The New iT Movie

Well, as you’ll hear on the podcast, we actually had some positive things to say about it. I think what I liked most is the accurate portrayal of IT. I think they really nailed it.

Episode #22 – Frozen Piss

Who cares about voting for your most hated whatever when you can vote on what really matters… As a man, how do you PISS?

  +2
  -0
Over the wasteband
  +5
  -2
Through the fly
  +2
  -4
Sitting down, like some stupid fucking toddler who probably enjoys Frozen

Lets get this out of the way

Our lawyers have asked us to issue the following statement:

It has come to our understanding that we here at REAL MOVIES with REAL MEN have been unintentionally conducting an unacceptable degree of false advertising.

We have been made aware when people engage in a podcast advertised as “with REAL MEN”, they don’t anticipate to then hear some pussy fucking toddler with a mangled penis advocating for sitting down to piss, who probably also jams a tampon up his peehole to better represent how he feels on the inside.

As such we would like to take this time to apologize for any misunderstandings that this inevitably has caused. While we have done our best efforts to have the culprit responsible removed, it turns out he’s the only one here who knows which dial turns on the machine to record the podcast.

We ask that everyone bear with us as our team works ’round the clock to rectify the situation by having him effectively removed from the operation and ideally publicly shamed/humiliated for his time engaged in promoting said debauchery.

Issued along with this statement, you can find below our new altered logo to accommodate us during this transition.

We thank you for your continued support.

 

RMwRM

 

Onward to something equally embarrassing

Another guest has managed to weasel his way onto the podcast and this weasel brought the movie Frozen with him. A movie I was very happy had passed me by completely unnoticed.

First Dirty Grandpa, now Frozen. I’m starting to think being a REAL man is about completely closing yourself off from everyone around you.

Apparently Weasel Corry had very high expectations of this movie made for tiny babies who someday want to be a princess. Perhaps next episode we can have a guest come on to discuss the lazy editing found in the first season of Teletubbies. Or maybe the weak third act in the first VeggieTales movie.

Hold on one second… our lawyer has just handed me another revised logo just in time for this episode.

Piss off!

Tune in next week to hear us eating glass and barbed-wire in an effort to make up for this episode being hijacked by a secret princess and a suspected eunuch.

END

Episode #21 – Modern Movie Trailers, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

Sitting Or Standing To Pee, We Can All Agree That Wiggling Your Dick Out Of A Weird Underwear Vagina Is Disturbing As Hell

Call it what you want Andy. You can try to pull that old liar’s trick and distract people from the REAL issue by bringing up the classic “sitting or standing” argument, but I see through your grand canyon of lies.

Speaking of sitting or standing, let’s talk about the most depraved argument of them all:

What’s Cool.

You ever notice how when you’re arguing a complete piece of crap garbage patch skid mark, whenever they start to lose they just double down on an irrelevant position?

Forget cohesive arguments, or being smart, or even thinking with your penis like a man should. Just toss real manhood in the trash and just focus on one dumb argument:

“Sitting down to pee just isn’t COOL man!”

You know who else cares about being cool? Hipsters. And I don’t mean people who dress up in plaid and grow beards, otherwise, all three of us would be hipsters.

I’m talking about the types of people who let their likes and dislikes be dictated by culture. I’m talking about people who ask you about your “cool trendy sweater” that you got when your friend lost weight and gave it to you. Hey idiot, I got it because I’m poor, not because I’m fashionable and trendy.

We can all agree that If you need to TRY to be cool then that’s exactly the opposite of actually being cool.

Now I ask you, do you have to try harder to stand, or to sit? If you had to spend a million years in one position, you’d guaranteed choose sitting. That’s because if you chose standing your legs would give out within a week, because it’s HARDER.

I promise you, nothing in the world is as uncool as standing is. Standing is for cashiers and pepsi-protestors.

I’ve never seen a classic manly 50s dad STAND around the living room watching slap-stick comedy on his 14″ TV. They SIT on their lazy-boys like real men. These are the men who tore apart my nazi ancestors with their bare-hands, so I think they’d know a thing or two about manliness.

You know what type of perverts stand? People who use standing work desks.

This is what you look like when you stand. Yuck. Absolutely disgusting.

This Episode, We Found Out How Modern Movie Trailers Are Garbage

And how the Garbage Pail Kids movie is garbage too. Maybe we just love garbage here at RMwRM (especially considering my co-hosts…ZING!)

Anyways, here’s a few garbage pail kids cards for your grossness. I hope you puke.

And you definitely don’t want to miss out on some of the movie characters from the Garbage Pail Kids.

Windy Winston:

Greaser Greg:

Nat Nerd:

My personal favorite, Foul Phil:

I’m too tired to write anymore. I’m going to go to bed and look at my cell phone for another 2 hours while somehow taking in no information at all.

You can find the rest of these nauseating horrifying dolls on your own. I feel like throwing up just writing this post.

Episode #20 – Dirty Grandpa, Spider-Man: Homecoming

Special Occasions Call For A Special Surprise!

We here at Real Movies With Real Men decided that episode 20 was the perfect time to do something special to all you jerks who support us. This is why we had our first EVER guest (of the week) – Troll Josh!

Troll Josh is the most Finnish non-Finnish guy you’ll ever meet. I could spend paragraphs (LITERALLY – MULTIPLE PARAGRAPHS) explaining how we know Josh. I could tell funny stories about him at heavy metal concerts with Andy and I, and reminisce about all his village plundering and pillaging, but we already did that on the episode! If you want to get to know Josh, this sums him up perfectly.

Bad Santa’s Bad Teacher’s Bad Mom’s Bad Grandpa’s Neighbour’s Bad Boy’s Grumpy Old Men

If you didn’t notice a running theme in Hollywood, if you take the word “Bad” and use it to describe someone who is not normally supposed to be bad, you get a funny premise for a comedy where the person who is typically viewed as a wholesome, positive figure is actually not wholesome or positive, they are…BAD. This is the joke. It’s way funnier when I explain it, right?

Unfortunately for the geniuses behind Dirty Grandpa, Bad Grandpa was already taken. Pervy old guys are funny right? That’s a new idea, isn’t it?

While watching Filthy Granddad, we were trying to figure out who the target audience was for this. Other than 18-25 year old males (and this is a stretch), who on earth would see this? I guess it makes sense for self-conscious granddads who want to prove to the world they can still have fun!

If the number of senior citizens hiring prostitutes and smoking crack suddenly shoots up, we know who to blame.

Spider-Man: Melting Pot

Much like the show Riverdale, Spider-Man: Homecoming garners all of its strength from casting actors who are a different race than the characters in the comic books. Don’t you worry about having good actors, an intriguing story, logical character motivations, OH NO! They skipped over all of that and decided that hitting you over the head with diversity was more important.

I’ll use visual examples from Riverdale so I don’t spoil anything from Spider-Man.

Actual picture of Mr. Weatherbee in Riverdale:

It’s hard to please everybody. Some fans are purists and want everything in the comics to be reflected perfectly on the big screen, and others want diversity for the sake of diversity. Others who believe in a secret underground race of lizard people who will one day take over the world want their beliefs validated too!

Here’s an actual picture of Jughead in Riverdale:

Sorry reptilian race worshippers, you had your chance in The Amazing Spider-Man. Remember that sweet gas plot? I bet you David Icke fangirls loved fantasizing over New York City’s entire population becoming lizard people. Well your time is over, it’s time to move over and let Multiculturalism: The Movie have its moment in the sun.

Below is an actual picture of Betty and Veronica from Riverdale:

I wonder which group will be pandered to in the next Spider-Man movie. I believe there’s a hint in an early promo shot for the next film.

 

What these pandering movies ought to do is cast the characters to look like they do in the comics but then attach to their foreheads a post-it note that has the race they are actually supposed to be written on it

Not to be outdone or left in the dust, they are trying this with the DC Universe movies. Below is a photo I was able to get from an inside source at Warner Brothers from the upcoming Justice League flick.

What Else Do You Want From Me?

Don’t be an Uncle Ben and go listen to the podcast! If you’re man enough…

Episode #19 – Valerian and Luc Besson

Arbitrarily vote for your most hated movie EVER that nobody actually does and serves no real purpose but we won’t get rid of because apparently its important for some reason or something, I guess (of the week) here:

  +3
  -2
Valerian
  +4
  -1
Luc Besson (like OMG, get it, hes a person not a movie, lolz. the joke that never gets old so we’ll keep retelling it forever!!!1!!)

Yammering on and on about something I want to emphasize and showcase how funny it is in case you didn’t initially understand what I was trying to say is the soul of wit

If there’s one purpose these write-ups serve, surely it’s to make the content of our podcast seem funnier by way of over-explaining the things we discuss in a bold attempt to make sure you know it’s hilarious.

Concision, clarity of expression, articulation of words and ideas… all tools of snooty elitist writers that don’t understand what real comedy is all about.

They clearly don’t understand that the best way to get humor across is to only stop building on the joke with more and more words until all the people who didn’t understand it in the first place finally realize what you were talking about. They’re sure to laugh then.

And the people who did understand it in the first place… well certainly if they found it funny to begin with then they’ll definitely still find it funny when it’s stretched out to be as thin as the quality one can expect from a Papa Murphy’s Pizza!

WHOA! THAT REMINDS ME, REMEMBER HOW FUNNY IT WAS WHEN WE TALKED ABOUT PAPA MURPHYS PIZZA ON THIS EPISODE OF THE PODCAST, unless you’re some of the people who read this beforehand, in which case this next portion of the write-up will only serve to spoil some of the initial humor when you actually hear it

You see I’m just not so sure that all of you morons understand how funny our on-going argument on Papa Murphy’s pizza actually is. So rather than sharpen my comedy skills and ability to convey them clearly, I will now over-elaborate in list format just how goddamn funny we are!

  • humor is the tendency of particular cognitive experiences to provoke laughter and provide amusement
  • a popular method of said provocation is the diversion of expectations
  • when two parties have conflicting stances, there are many opportunities for diverting the expectations of both sides of the argument

Now that we all understand humor and how to recognize when the appropriate time to laugh is, I will now showcase how our content should be easily recognized as “funny”.

  • Muller argues Papa Murphy’s pizza is good
  • Braden and I argue Papa Murphy’s pizza is bad
  • Muller does not respect Braden’s and my argument towards Papa Murphy’s pizza
  • Braden and I do not respect Muller’s argument towards Papa Murphy’s pizza
  • both parties stand strongly in their convictions on Papa Murphy’s pizza
  • both parties then have to react to points that they would not have themselves concluded about Papa Murphy’s pizza

So you can see as I have outlined here that the whole situation is the perfect environment in which humor will cultivate. Make sure while listening to consult these lists so you fully understand just how funny we are.

If that is not enough to convince you that our Papa Murphy’s pizza discussion is funny, then simply print off this write-up onto a piece of paper, contact RMwRM, and I personally will come over, roll-up the piece of paper, and beat you to death with it.

In case that’s STILL not enough, here is a copy and paste of everything I just wrote to save you from having to scroll up to re-read my explanation

You see I’m just not so sure that all of you morons understand how funny our on-going argument on Papa Murphy’s pizza actually is. So rather than sharpen my comedy skills and ability to convey them clearly, I will now over-elaborate in list format just how goddamn funny we are!

  • humor is the tendency of particular cognitive experiences to provoke laughter and provide amusement
  • a popular method of said provocation is the diversion of expectations
  • when two parties have conflicting stances, there are many opportunities for diverting the expectations of both sides of the argument

Now that we all understand humor and how to recognize when the appropriate time to laugh is, I will now showcase how our content should be easily recognized as “funny”.

  • Muller argues Papa Murphy’s pizza is good
  • Braden and I argue Papa Murphy’s pizza is bad
  • Muller does not respect Braden’s and my argument towards Papa Murphy’s pizza
  • Braden and I do not respect Muller’s argument towards Papa Murphy’s pizza
  • both parties stand strongly in their convictions on Papa Murphy’s pizza
  • both parties then have to react to points that they would not have themselves concluded about Papa Murphy’s pizza

So you can see as I have outlined here that the whole situation is the perfect environment in which humor will cultivate. Make sure while listening to consult these lists so you fully understand just how funny we are.

If that is not enough to convince you that our Papa Murphy’s pizza discussion is funny, then simply print off this write-up onto a piece of paper, contact RMwRM, and I personally will come over, roll-up the piece of paper, and beat you to death with it.

I’m sure you’ll figure the rest out

I used to think the write-ups should be a brief, hopefully comedic outline of what the episode is about, but then I realized pretty much nobody is actually reading them anyway, so whatever who cares why bother fuck off I’m outta here

END

Episode #18 – The Hobbit

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

  +2
  -1
The Hobbit

TASTE.

Some of us have it, and some of us have orange beards. Some of us can enjoy the flesh of this world as we swish around fine wines and chocolate in our mouths, while some of us just have long, dark, sexy, wavy hair.

Papa Murphy’s Stuffed Pizza is the finest in fine italian cuisine known to man. Unfortunately we have two cavemen co-hosts who wouldn’t know a mean pizza if it arrested them in the streets of New York for being black.

Let’s examine the pros of Papa Murph’s Stuffed Pizza in more detail:

  • the best tasting pizza you’ve ever had
  • this pizza tastes better than pizza from NEWYEORK
  • anyone who doesn’t like this pizza is a freaking idiot

The cons:

  • you have to cook it in one oven instead of a different oven

Andy just can’t deal with the simplest, easiest actions of putting a pizza into a metal cube known as your oven. What a crybaby. If someone told me that they would kill my family if I didn’t do one single jumping jack, I could probably figure out how to put my hands in the air and spread my legs.

And yet missing out on Papa Murphy’s Stuffed Pizza is a much bigger tragedy. What a troglodyte.

You may be thinking “But Muller, I’ve tried out the Papa Murphy’s Pizza and it was just normal pizza”. It’s true that Papa Murphy’s ALSO serves a regular sized pizza, but you’d be a fool to mix that up with their STUFFED pizza.

Even J.R.R. Tolkien knows how great this pizza is. I quote:

One Papa Murphy’s Stuffed Pizza to rule them all,
One Papa Murphy’s Stuff Pizza to find them,
One Papa Murphy’s to bring them all
and in the darkness be the finest damn pizza you’ve ever had, you turds.

That’s a real quote from Tolkien. No pun intended.

I don’t know why I always cast my pearls before swine though. I should just let these disgusting cohosts continue on with their vegetarian garbage and single-dish chinese food. They’re ridiculous.

Honestly though, we’ve gone back and forth on what these episode posts should be.

  • Should they be summaries of the episode so you know what it’s about?
  • Should they be building on inside jokes from the episode that you’re meant to read afterwards?
  • Should they be promos for new listener, or DLC for old ones?

The correct answer is of course none of the above. The episode post should solely be used to deliver grandstanding monologues ripping apart Andy’s stupid as hell Chinese food arguments without leaving him any chance to defend himself.

It’s about disabling your enemies and kicking them while they roll down the non wheelchair accessible stairs of the white house.

Speaking Of Chinese Food

There’s one right way to eat chinese food, and it involves more than just a plate of gor-ram meatballs.

Andy claims “He wants us to get separate plates of Chinese and share like a bunch of Mullers”.

Well clearly it’s not just a bunch of Mullers doing this considering you admitted on the episode that even your own family prefers it that way,

YOU HACK!

The debate is of course between Family-Style food, and “Get Your Own Dish”.

In one corner of the ring is Andy with his illogical “Get Your Own Dish” style. Some benefits of this style are:

  • you only get to order one dish, even though anyone with a half sophisticated palate probably doesn’t view “1 pound of pure bacon” as a real meal
  • you get to hold onto the paranoid delusion that a family styled meal means that people are going to eat more than their fair share and you’ll somehow get screwed out of food. I’ve never witnessed this happening – if your friends aren’t jerks, they’re usually pretty conscious of the sharing rules. But luckily if you’re Andy, you can just choose to believe that all your friends are as big of assholes as you are!
  • you miss out on any of the legitimately good dishes that your friend Muller, who has actually been to ChongQing before, recommends to you

In the other corner of the ring is Muller, with the reasonable, triple-multi-beneficial, super-duper “Family Style” chinese food style:

  • shows that you view your friends as humans, not irradiated beasts waiting to take advantage of you for a nickle’s worth of lo mein.
  • you can try a variety of dishes, thus bringing different nutrients to your body, building strength.
  • literally makes you a better person

I think the winner is clear.

Now that we’ve settled that, make your way over to ChongQing on Robson or Broadway in Vancouver. No jokes here. Just an ad.

Oh, And We Also Talked About The Hobbit

How’s that for summarizing our episode you living pieces of garbage.

Episode #17 – Hot Fuzz

Being Wright Never Felt So…Right

After seeing Baby Driver (not the movie with Hulk Hogan pile driving babies), we felt it appropriate to make an episode where we focus on how great Edgar Wright is. In today’s cinematic climate with schlock-filled movies, lazy writers, and hack directors, it’s important we acknowledge one of the active greats.

We only cover his movies though (specifically Hot Fuzz). We’ll do another full episode in the future where we cover his boyish good looks and charm.

Muller? I Hardly Know Her!

Muller has officially been outed. After the intro segment to this week’s show, the world now knows of his love for the big ladies. I’m sure he is being honest about his physical attraction to these behemoths, but let’s dig a littler deeper. If you’ve picked up on any Muller swindles you can see what is really going on here.

Fat people typically have more food laying around the house and they also typically order more at a restaurant than an average person. Can’t you see? These are PERFECT opportunities for Muller to swoop in and mooch grub, satisfying his two most primal urges: big women and free food. Then Muller moves on. He roams the countryside in search of his next large lady and free dinner.

“No Muller is ever too old to look at an overweight woman, and no overweight woman is ever too fat to hope that he will look.” – Old Lithuanian Proverb

Is It Too Soon?

A few weeks ago we spent an entire episode discussing a movie we like: Mad Max: Fury Road. Look, we realize our fans NEED the weekly movie hate every second week, but there are exceptions to every rule.

If it weren’t for exceptions, we wouldn’t have Denzel Washington’s entertaining killing spree in The Equalizer, would we? But let’s not get carried away. I think we can all agree that Denzel Washington is a little overrated. Middle-aged mom’s and dad’s love him. But if you have half a brain, you can see that he plays the same boring, by-the-book detective, corrupt CIA agent, rough around the edges with a heart of gold, drunk air pilot, blind post-apocalyptic survivor in every movie.

I mean, I do like his comedies, his superhero movies, (both of them), and even his vampire movies. But if you want to see a REAL good action thriller about a man seeking revenge for losing the one thing he loved by taking out a Russian gang that also came out in 2014, go see John Wick.

I do really like his comedies.

All This To Say

Don’t be an idiot and let which actors appear in a movie decide what you watch! Instead, tune into the episode and let us also berate you on why it is both important and the moral life choice to follow talented directors instead of actors. Don’t be an idiot.

Now take a hike!

Episode # 16 – Wonder Woman

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

  +4
  -3
Wonder Woman

The world’s FIRST and most PROGRESSIVE movie talk show podcast, baby!

If you’re looking for an exploration of today’s most thought-provoking, forward thinking, pro-active ideas on the future of culture and ideology, then you’ve come to the right place.

If I’ve learned anything from today’s progressive youth, it’s that the biggest concerns regarding the direction of society is what kind of cultural representation is found in our movie content…

Forget trying to have a dialogue working towards a better understanding of each others opposing ideals. REAL progress is obviously found in how many social trends our movies can possibly pander to. Which also happens to be a great place to find rich Hollywood executives exploiting your sense of moral righteousness.

Hey, probably just a coincidence right?

But what better place to discuss our current political climate than on a show run by REAL men discussing all the ways they wish whatever movie they last saw was more like Commando.

I fucking love REAL science!

Everyone knows that reliable scientific facts don’t come from peer-reviewed study and repetition of results. They are much better found by whoever is speaking the loudest about whatever anecdotal evidence best confirms your personal bias.

If it sounds true it probably is true, and on today’s episode I prove myself to be the greatest scientist of all time by presenting two theories of which our listeners can’t actually challenge because this is of course a pre-recorded medium. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t really listen anyway.

And of course like a REAL man, both my theories are centered around why you’re wrong for liking the new Wonder Woman movie. That’s the kind of topic modern science needs to be tackling if we expect to make any progress to a better mankind.

The energy crisis? What crisis? Money seems to buy me all the gasoline I need. Problem solved.

Climate Change? I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s disgustingly hot out today, but I spend all my time in an air-conditioned movie theater anyway. Sorted.

But bad movies and people who like them? Now there’s an issue that I can get behind.

But the first step towards a solution is to narrow down the root cause of the problem. I think you’ll find today’s episode adequately identifies it, using Wonder Woman as an example of failure.

Look, if you want to hear an accurate review of Wonder Woman it will just end up being a three minute episode explaining, “it’s okay I guess”. But in order to fill out an entire show I put on my cleanest lab coat and extract every bit of content I possibly could.

Like a REAL scientist. You’re welcome.

Go away

I have more ground-breaking research to do for the next exciting episode of REAL Movies with REAL Men.

 

 

 

Episode #15 – Alien: Covenant

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

  +2
  -1
Alien: Covenant

If you’re not talking down to someone, there’s no point in talking to them at all

We all know how the conversation game goes.

You come in with your pre-conceived notion, pretend to listen while the other person talks, try to be respectful while sounding like you know what you’re talking about, then leave having gained nothing but resentment knowing you’ll have to repeat this process with the next social encounter.

Fucking pointless.

We’re all just trying to trick everyone else into thinking we have more worth than is actually true, in a noble attempt to hoard more value than those around you. But speaking to them with “the respect they deserve” is about the dumbest social convention I can think of.

Not only does nobody want to do it, but it’s about as effective as earning respect by telling the truth.

It doesn’t work.

But if you talk down to someone in a way that taps into the vulnerability of their own self-doubt, then you can assuredly talk them into believing any kind of nonsense you want.

Like, when I go to the doctor I don’t want him speaking to me like we’re on the same level. As soon as he has me convinced I’m an idiot, I know then that I better do what he says.

The medical degree means nothing, the condescension… everything.

It’s important that everyone has to have someone to look down on

Wandering through this wasteland we call community can be tough to do without some kind of self-confidence. Undoubtedly the best way to build one’s ego is by having another group to constantly think less of.

The rich have the poor, the smart have the dumb, and if all else fails everyone always have foreign people to lower ones brow upon.

But today we have all the people involved with the making of Alien: Covenant to spray our poison on.

A movie so worthless you’d think the writers are as dumb as the characters in the story itself.

Apparently somewhere down the line some idiot thought taking what is essentially a franchise about a cool creature design and turning it into an origin of man story was a good idea.

At one point I discovered that this movie and Prometheus have built up quite a dedicated following of people defending the absolutely poor, incomprehensible, lazy, all set-up no pay-off story that this franchise has devolved into. But then I realized that they aren’t really worthy of being called people, so I moved on.

Apparently my co-hosts actually might have enjoyed some aspects of this film. Thank goodness I’m fortunate enough to have people in my immediate company to look down on.

Eat shit…

…and live, so you can tune into another riveting installment of Real Movies with REAL Men! A bold attempt at entertaining you by way of calling you a moron.

Episode #14 – Mad Max: Fury Road

A Whole Episode About One Movie?

Don’t worry, this isn’t another Terminator: Jenizeyz episode. We actually spend time discussing a movie that wasn’t a confusing mess/critical failure/part of a downward-spiraling movie franchise.

I know what you’re thinking: “But the Tremors franchise has four movies which are all commercially and critically successful!”.

Look, we here at Real Movies With Real Men have to pick and choose our battles, and if you’re a total idiot and missed the title of this post, we are discussing Mad Max: Fury Road!

I’m sorry it’s not about Tremors 4: The Legend Begins, but the episode is already recorded so there’s nothing I can do! Leave me alone!

Who Is This “Max” & What Is He So “Mad” About All The Time?

Sorry about that, Jerry Seinfeld sat down and started typing while I was in the bathroom. He was just telling me about this show that he and Larry David are working on.

Mad Max ends up in modern day New York and has to adapt to normal American life. It’s called “Mad Max In The Big City”. The story has been rejected by multiple television studios because the “fish out of water” style of sitcom from the 80’s hasn’t become popular again…yet. But once it does, we’ll all get to see how Mad Max deals with city life.

I can’t wait to see how Mad Max deals with:

  • Working a 9 to 5 office job
  • Getting a date
  • Coping with winter in New York
  • His interactions with his ultra liberal gender fluid roommate
  • Online dating
  • Using a smartphone
  • Creating a Facebook profile
  • Ordering at Starbucks
  • Going on blind dates

What Makes Fury Road So Great?

If I have to explain this, then you haven’t seen Fury Road. So stop what you are doing, watch Fury Road, then watch all the special features.

Wait – you’re watching it online so you don’t have access to the special features?

Drive over to your local video store and rent it. Then watch the entire movie again for good measure, and then watch all the special features. Then you can download our episode and nod your head in agreement the entire time.

Mad Max is a REAL man, just like his creator George Miller! Everything you haven’t already learned about being a man from John Matrix, Marion Cobretti, Robocop, and Judge Dredd, you can learn from Mad Max. If you aren’t a man after watching those movies, then you’re nothing but a pencil neck geek!

Get lost LOSER! But not until you listen to episode 14.

Episode #13 – “R” Rated Action Movies, “Rotten Tomatoes Is So Biased”

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

  +4
  -1
Should Action Movies Be “R” Rated?
  +3
  -1
Is Rotten Tomatoes Biased?

A Series Of R’s

R” rated action movies. Rotten Tomatoes. Real Movies. Real Men.

We love R‘s here. But what about all the other R‘s that we love?

  • Ralph Fiennes
  • Death Race 2000
  • Raiders Of The Lost Ark
  • Rain Man – hilarious!
  • Rambo
  • Random Acts Of Violence (the concept, not the movie)
  • The Blues Brothers
  • 13 Reasons Why This Show Makes Me Want To Kill MY Self

When I was a child, I had a DOS version of “Wheel Of Fortune” on my 386 Windows 3.1 computer. If you won the game, it said you could win a sports car.

I wasn’t quite sure how they were going to mail me an entire car to my house, but I always guessed “T” or “S” as I thought they were common letters that would make me win that sweet, sweet snail-mailed race car.

I never won. Probably because I should have been guessing “R” the entire time.

Andy’s Jar Jar Binks Mask

The perfect gift for a small child. Complete with that stinky-stanky rubber smell.

Horrifying.

Air Bud: LoveDog In A Dangerous Spacetime

Upon further reflection, more Air Bud sequels really ARE something this world needs, alongside more slogans like “hungry for apples“, which is apparently a good slogan to sell apples.

  • Air Bud XV: Bud Harder (Air Bud smokes weed in this one)
  • Air Bud XVI: A Good Day To Bud Hard
  • Air Bud XVII: Live Free Or Die Bud
  • Air Bud XVIII: Air Bud 2
  • Air Bud XIX: First Bud Part II
  • Air Bud XX: Predator VS Air Bud
  • Air Bud XXI: THE Air Bud
  • Air Bud XXII: Budgement Day
  • Air Bud XXIII: Escape From New Bud
  • Air Bud XXIV: Air Bud ONE (in this one, the sport Bud plays is being the President of the United States)
  • Air Bud XXV: Bud Trouble In Little China

Other Conservative News Media Scams

As if Grand Theft Auto and Mortal Kombat weren’t bad enough reasons to ruin my childhood from groundings, they also rendered my parent’s fair, effective, and loving discipline into an arbitrary arm of the conservative agenda.

Chasing after violent video games and nude movies turned me literally into a worse person. Discipline stops working once you see through the cracks and realize how meaningless it becomes.

It only takes one unfair spanking to ruin them all. And to think: I could be enjoying a regular spankings to this very day! The fact that I’m missing out on one of life’s greatest pleasures makes me so angry that I just want to go out and get spanked!

Here are some other conservative scams ruining lives to this day:

  • Movie ratings are there to protect children and families
  • Christians in america are being crucified for their beliefs – not for being jerks
  • Environmentalism and electric cars will give you autism
  • Mexicans can’t pole vault over tall walls

Don’t forget to vote!

Episode #12 – Real Off-Topics With REAL Men, Clapping in the Theater

The ability to lie is nature’s greatest gift to man.

If you think you aren’t lying your ass off all the time, then you’re lying to yourself. Which is still great, so don’t worry.

Know how to play a few chords on guitar? You’re a musician. Go outside a few times a week? You’re an athlete. Post an MP3 online every couple of weeks that no one listens to? You run a successful podcast.

As long as some form of delusion is being perpetuated for your own selfish gain, then you’ll be OK.

These are the kinds of deceptions you should be purporting ALL THE TIME. That broad isn’t gonna wanna bang if she thinks you are who you actually are.

Another example, today I’ve lead you to believe that our movie podcast was gonna be about movies; when in actuality we tip-toe around the subject matter like Muller does a hard day’s work.

I’d say I’m sorry about that, but I prefer my lies to be a little less obvious.

THE TRUTH!

This episode has basically the same cohesion as the script to Cool World. Actually that’s a lie; there’s at least one portion of the episode that justifies the Real Movies With REAL Men title. Which makes it 10,000 times more focused than Gabriel Byrne trying to fuck a cartoon character.

How’s that for a topical reference?

The portion I speak of is Braden’s contempt for all you morons clapping at the movie in the theatre.

While I generally encourage enthusiasm towards my beloved medium, it’s hard for me to see you applauding at the end of Rogue One, and not think of a retarded person banging his hands together compulsively in excitement over the sight of a shiny object.

Muller confesses that he might be one of these morons, but I’m pretty sure it’s less about his enthusiasm towards the movie, and is actually just his inability to sit still for more than 38 seconds at a time.

Though maybe they’re all just clapping in support of the greasy teenager running the movie projector. Hey, don’t make fun. It may not be the respected position it was in the days of film projection, but asking a millennial to hit the play button is a considerable amount of more work than he expects in order to earn a paycheque.

Not all heroes wear capes, and some heroes are so annoying to be around that you relegate them to some shitty task in the back so you don’t have to look at them anymore.

Get fucked.

And thus concludes another exciting installment of Real Meandering With REAL Men; your reward for surviving another two weeks in a world where we can no longer make fun of people for being born a certain way.

You’re welcome.

Episode #11 – Kazaam, Lily & The Snowman, Avatar

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

  +1
  -0
Shazaam
  +1
  -1
Lily and the Snowman
  +2
  -1
Avatar

Shaq Kazaam

The only thing more confusing than the ending to Kazaam is the movie poster:

We discuss both in the episode so I won’t go into spoilers.

Not only did Shaq go on to have an incredibly successful rap career, but he dabbled in martial arts as well.  It’s a shame the NBA, Hollywood, and his rap career got in the way, as we’ll never know how dominant he would have been as an MMA fighter.

If his moves in Shaq Fu are any indication, Ken Shamrock and Dan Severn are lucky he never made the leap to UFC in the mid-late 90’s! By the way, those are two REAL men if you ask me!

Don’t forget to pick up your copy of Shaq Fu from your local video game retailer! If you are lucky enough to get a copy that is! You could always rent it from the video store too I guess.

We All Like Trailers

But please stop wasting our time with annoying advertisements, animated shorts, and movie trailers that are not relevant to the audience of the movie about to be shown.

Movie theatres are getting away with murder! LITERALLY! I know how to use the word literally, alright? You use it in a sentence when you are describing something that isn’t literal. That way people know you mean business.

It is also acceptable to use it when describing something mundane and average, like an everyday task. I mean, what’s gonna happen if your coworkers don’t believe you took out the garbage earlier that morning? Let’s take a look at these two sentences:

“I took out the garbage this morning.”

“I LITERALLY took out the garbage this morning.”

Who are you gonna believe there? You shouldn’t need to tag the word “literally” onto the back of everything you say,  but if you don’t, people might not believe anything you say! Literally!

Avatar: The Last Time I Paid To See A James Cameron Directed Film Bender

Here’s the thing about Avatar, if you like it, you’re probably a sissy.

I wish Sigourney Weaver played Ripley from the Alien franchise in this movie. Then the Xenomorphs would’ve followed her to Pandora, with Predator in hot pursuit.

For once, we might’ve seen Predator and Xenomorph kind teaming up! It can’t be that hard to take out the Na’vi. They’re like big blue feline things aren’t they? Just get them when they are taking a dump in the litter box! How hard is that?

I bet if Umbrella Corporation was running this operation, they could’ve got the job done. Wesker wouldn’t even need help from Predator or Xenomorph aliens. They could’ve wiped out all the Na’vi, wrecked the planet, and then just left!

Corporations are purely evil for the sake of being evil. Have we not learned anything from Resident Evil, Captain Planet, and VR Troopers?

Let’s look at the main bad guy from VR Troopers: Karl Ziktor. He looks harmless. Why, he is just the billionaire owner of Ziktor Industries after all. Nothing to see here.

Think he’s just an innocent business tycoon?  Think again!

That is Ziktor after he has transformed into his true form, Grimlord!

Every corporation has a Grimlord pulling the strings. LITERALLY!

Episode #10 – Commando, Back To The Future, DKC2

Vote for whether Muller actually beat Donkey Kong Country when he was 3.

  +3
  -6
Did Muller beat Donkey Kong Country when he was 3?

Let’s talk about all the things that are movies.

  • Poorly written segments – check! Those are movies! (especially on this podcast).
  • Nerd metal albums – check! Those are movies!
  • “Save the clock tower” toe-jammed hippie propaganda – those are definitely movies.
  • Actually GOOD movies – yes – check, those are movies too!

EVERYTHING IS A MOVIE WHEN YOU’RE A REAL MAN!

What Is Truly The Greatest Movie Car Of All Time?

  • The DeLorean (back to the future)
  • The Ecto One (the hearse for ghosts)
  • The Blues mobile (the blues brothers)
  • The Last Interceptor (mad max)

…all iconic movie cars. But which is truly the greatest movie car of all time? Take your pick:

  • Tesla Shitbox
  • The Mystery Machine
  • The Little Rascal’s Soapbox Derby Kart
  • A Shopping Cart
  • That Car With The Loud A-Ooooo-GAH Horn On “The Mask”
  • Pee-Wee’s Stolen Bicycle

Speaking of the blues brothers.

The Blues Brothers Will Never Leave You Feeling Blue In Your Nutsack

If you haven’t seen this movie, you’ve missed out on the most brilliant car chases of all time.

The Most REAL Sponsorship Ever Sponsored

A huge thank-you to our sponsor this week: InfowarsMeet. This “Truth Focused” dating service allows you even more filtering options than we presented on the episode (we simply ran out of time). Here are a few more options available:

  • Using Facebook sync, and you can filter by how many friends have unfriended them from being offended by their TRUTHFUL views. The more friends that have abandoned them = a deeper understanding of the truth!
  • Filter by the amount of crop circle proof they have. Most desirable: TIFF photos at maximum compression.
  • How many masonic dollar bills they have.
  • How many mainstream news media companies they’ve publicly renounced.
  • How many ancient Japanese, Egyptian, and Columbian aircraft JPEG photos they have.
  • Do they believe all religions are artificial, created by the Reptillians?
  • Do they believe that Satan created the Universe?
  • Do they believe that there is a space vessel that can travel through the earth, that is residing INSIDE the earth, and can also gain energy from the sun and travel through the sun. And also it’s a seed that powers the earth’s core.
  • Do they believe that there is a false realm that is a dodecahedron of pentagons that make up our 12 universes?

Am I Really Reaching With Donkey Kong Country? Can Movies Really Learn Nothing From DKC2?

That bullish moron Andy doesn’t understand abstract theme. Apparently it’s impossible to draw lessons between two creative mediums.

Consider this example:

In John Cleese’s lesson on creativity, he taught why his ideas were more original than his colleagues:

“I always threw out my first idea, and took another stab. I found that while my first idea may have been funnier to some people, my subsequent ideas always beat the crap out of my stupid Monty Python colleague’s cerebellums (and were always more original)”.

I think that’s how the quote goes. But what’s important is that rule is only useful for John Cleese writing Monty Python skits. There’s definitely no way you can translate that into a different medium.

According to Andy, I guess there’s no way in hell I can use that universally true idea to help me write comedy segments for the podcast, is there?

If I threw out my first joke and tried to come up with another version of the joke, it just…wouldn’t work. This lesson would just implode on itself.

If I was Andy, I would say something retarded like:

“I fail to see why that advice had anything to do with podcasts. John Cleese is an ACTOR! Not a podcaster! It’s just totally irrelevant.”

It’s almost as if there are universal equations and rules to:

  • storytelling
  • creativity
  • drama
  • character design
  • theme
  • tone
  • and all this other crap.

Bahh who am I fooling. Clearly this is all nonsense and you can’t learn a single thing from any medium except for the direct medium you’re currently practicing in.

Stick to the guitar Johnny! The drums can’t help you! That way we can keep getting the same brand of music forever and ever. Don’t ever try to do anything new, you’ll only fail.

Look At These Killer DKC2 Levels

The resolution of these images is choppy and gritty, just like a man should be. In the middle you can see the overview of the map (the wide shot). Surrounding that, each specific world comes into view (the medium shot).

Closeup of the world map:

Notice the scary lava crocodile head? How about that creep sunken ship at the bottom? Or look in the middle of the map – there’s some sort of awesome party or carnival going on there. COUNT ME IN!

And if you make it past that, you get to invade King K. Rool’s airship: The Flying Krock!

Here you can see a ghost dude chasing the Kongs on a haunted roller coaster in some sort of…hell library. Look at that ghost pirate skeleton’s bandana! That’s cool as HELL!

Remember when I said that Dixie and Diddie have awesome exit music? Look at these two punk-ass monkeys play their instruments.

Look at Diddie’s COOL sunglasses! Seriously the koolest. Kong kool.

Episode #9 – Jurassic Park, Riverdale, Orange Is The New Black

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

  +0
  -2
Jurassic Park
  +2
  -0
Riverdale
  +1
  -0
Orange Is The New Black

“Why do they only talk about movies they hate?”

We get this question a lot here at the Real Movies with REAL Men Mansion… the Man Mansion… the MANsion.

Why not? That’s why.

Maybe Muller’s inclusion in this podcast has confused you, but this is a show for REAL men (including the ones that are women). And if there’s one staple when it comes to being a man, it’s HATE.

HATE is what guides us. HATE is what fuels us. HATE is the reason we get out of bed in the morning, and we couldn’t bare the thought of life without it.

Maybe spend a few minutes listening to someone preach that love is what the world needs right now, and see how much fun you have. Or maybe just tune in next week, who knows?

But for now HATE is what’s on the menu.

FEAST!

This episode I go again at the record for the most downvoted Most Hated Movie EVER by bringing in Jurassic Park.

What? Just because a movie’s great means I can’t hate it!? I thought we already went through this. As a man if you want to truly love something, you have to establish how much you hate it first.

So go ahead, vote it down ya morons. I don’t give a shit. Have fun in your green-screen, post-production nightmare world. Meanwhile I’ll be over here cooking up a delicious grilled HATE sandwich while spitefully watching Predator for the 200th time this year.

Then Braden channels his inner tween magazine and tells us all about the new hit TV show, Riverdale.

That’s right, when I think about what the kids are into these days, I still assume it’s magazines that debate who the hottest member of Hanson is.

Similar to last episode, Braden discusses his theory that Riverdale is just a bizarre rip-off of Twin Peaks set in the Archie universe. But I half-expect he just used this as an excuse to stare at all the teen hunks featured in this high school setting.

I might actually check the show out if a later season includes Predator or some other terrifying monster disemboweling the entire cast.

ONLY TIME WILL TELL!

Then we finish off the episode by accidentally letting Muller speak long enough to talk about Orange Is The New Black.

You know, the show that lures you in with the promise of some sweet lesbian prison action, then flicks you in the balls with some annoying liberal pandering. Hey don’t look at me SJWs, Muller’s the one who brought it in to shit on. He’s the one you need to campaign to have fired at his completely unrelated job.

Don’t worry though, I half expect he only brought this show in to fixate on a bunch of lesbians, who his silly religion has been trying to convince the world are just a myth.

You see I just assume everyone around me is always up to something disingenuous. Lying about your true motives is what being a REAL man is all about.

Hopefully he got what he wanted out of it. Though I’m pretty sure this show is all wanna-be progressive and gonna try to convince me that not all female inmates are going down on one another. Good luck with that.

Speaking of progressive, check out the new logo for the upcoming No-Female Ghostbusters movie. Looks pretty promising to me, and definitely not like something I whipped up in a few minutes in MS Paint.

Leave me alone.

I grow tiresome of typing and I grow tiresome of all these shitheads not voting above on their Most Hated Movie EVER (of the week).

Eat shit and thanks for listening.

Episode #8 – The Expendables 3, Kick-Ass 2, The Sixth Sense

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

  +2
  -0
The Expendables 3
  +0
  -0
Kick-Ass 2
  +0
  -1
The Sixth Sense

Here are the 3 movies we talked about this episode:

Not only can you look above (at the voting) to know which movies we covered, but you can also look at the title of this post.

Apparently that’s not enough though, because Braden and Andy think that our minuscule audience also have minuscule brains.

They don’t just want jokes for this comedy bit. I’m supposed to summarize the episode, the most boring thing I can think of, so that the write-up is actually relevant to the episode.

Here you go dickheads:

  • The Expendables 3
  • Kick-Ass 2
  • The Sixth Sense

Happy now? Moving on.

I didn’t realize how much Andy loved anime.

But he’s revealed himself now! That windbag just kept talking for hours and hours in that last episode, all about anime!

But he’s not a real anime fan. If he was a true anime fan, he’d have his own “My Top 10 Anime” list. It would probably look something like this:

  1. FullMuller Alchemist: Mullerhood
  2. Mullboy Bebop
  3. Dragon Mull Z
  4. Attack On Muller
  5. Death Mull
  6. Avatar: The Last Mullbender
  7. Mull’s Moving Castle
  8. Deadmull Wonderland
  9. My Neighbour Mulltoro
  10. Tales From Mullsea

I hope you die from legitimate brain cancer from reading this Andy, you worthless worm.

Now let’s talk about the truly important questions in life, namely:

Is it ethical to have sex with another person while riding a horse?

Would that be considered bestiality? Is the animal a 3rd part in the sex-act, or does the animal simply become an environmental factor, like your bed.

You’d never say you’re having a threesome with your ex-wife and your bed, namely because she’s a cheating good-for-nothing heifer and she’d probably leave you out of all the fun.

Andy Loves Porn

This guy. It seems like no matter what we’re talking about, he just can’t stop advocating for guys to look at more porn.

Even though research shows that it makes men flaccid and weak-willed, apparently Andy’s libertarian paradise of america doesn’t need real, strong, non-neutered men in it.

He really can’t help it, and it’s interfering with this show now too. Me and Braden keep telling him:

  • “Andy, you’ve got to write this week’s segment”
  • “Andy, we’re trying to record right now. Can you put your porn and dick away?”
  • “Andy, your mom is sitting right across the table.”

He’s insatiable though. He just can’t stop looking at porn. He was even looking at porn of fatsos with big butts, ON MY COMPUTER! My wife found out, and can you believe that “it was Andy” wasn’t a good excuse?

She actually thought I would do something like that, even though no anime ever has had someone with a big butt. Now I’m taking the blame for his massive perversion. Disgusting.

Go write a funny segment, loser! And next time remind me to clear my…er, I mean YOUR history and dirty internet habits out of my computer!

Episode #7 – Spirited Away, “Based On A True Story”, Sadako VS Kayako

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

  +3
  -5
Spirited Away
  +3
  -0
“Based On A True Story”
  +1
  -0
Sadako VS Kayako

What are morals if not just the roadblocks of life?

A wise man once said this to me and since that time my life was forever carved of its stone. He spoke it quietly but with conviction, turned his back to me and walked away, never to be seen again.

That man… was me.

I have forever used these words to forge the steel that would allow me to chop down entire cultures and their dumb traditions. It’s what allows me to speak down to my closest friends and shit all over the dumb movies they love.

And today that movie is Spirited Away.

OH, that transition!

That’s right weeaboos! This week I bring in your most well regarded anime to piss and shit all over. Though something tells me you might be into that sorta thing.

You see while I may be the moral-less wonder you’ve all grown to depend on, even I have a limit when it comes to what is considered too perverted.

And that limit is anime.

Listen as I make the indisputable argument that all anime is nonsensical filth that should call for the same incarcerations that you’d get from a hard drive full of kiddy porn.

Bet you were at least a little bit scared to click on that link.

Muller gets a little sweaty with all the talk about little girls working in a fucking bathhouse so we have to move on to his Most Hated Movie EVER (of the week), “based on a true story”…

That’s right, the phrase, not a movie called based on a true story.

Muller’s ineptitude at bringing in a movie actually leads to an interesting conversation about the value of based on a true story movies. Unfortunately it’s a conversation guided by the whims of Muller’s logic.

The key to Muller logic is that it always sounds like something that might make sense, but is at the same time completely incomprehensible. Perhaps that’s why he’s so into c̶o̶m̶p̶l̶e̶t̶e̶l̶y̶ ̶d̶i̶s̶g̶u̶s̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶i̶l̶l̶e̶g̶a̶l̶ ̶b̶a̶c̶k̶-̶a̶l̶l̶e̶y̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶e̶r̶n̶e̶t̶ ̶p̶o̶r̶n̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶o̶n̶l̶y̶ ̶a̶ ̶s̶i̶c̶k̶ ̶f̶u̶c̶k̶ ̶s̶e̶x̶ ̶p̶e̶r̶v̶e̶r̶t̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶e̶n̶j̶o̶y̶  anime.

Lastly Braden brings in Sadako VS Kayako.

I was excited at first judging by its’ title that Braden too had brought in some depraved anime that would allow us to continue ripping on perverts. But as it turns out it’s just the most unnecessary crossover of all time.

See, what the movie should actually be titled is “The Creepy Chick From The Ring VS The Creepy Chick From The Grudge”. WHY CAN’T THE JAPANESE JUST CONFORM TO MY ENGLISH STANDARDS ALL THE TIME COMPLETELY JUST FOR MY CONVENIENCE!? Selfish bastards.

Normally I respect Braden’s reasoning, mostly by default compared to Muller’s reasoning, but this time I’m not so sure. The more he talks about it, the more this movie sounds so completely stupid that it might be brilliant!

Fortunately my lack of morals allows me to have friends that I have absolutely no respect for. Or else I might have ended up a depressed weirdo who only spends his time watching movies instead of bettering his life like every other person around him. Oh…

Fuck off!

And so concludes another extra perverted edition of Real Movies with REAL Men! Don’t forget, the only people that don’t vote above on their Most Hated Movie EVER (of the week) are hated by all!

 

 

 

Episode #6 – Independence Day, Rogue One

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

  +3
  -2
Independence Day
  +6
  -0
Rogue One

Only Two Movies!?

What the heck did the three of us talk about for two hours?  Other than expired food bricks, my addiction to hoarding old movie tickets, Gremlins, Netflix HD Upgrades, and 2 lame “Sci-Fi” movies, you mean?

If this episode was any more of a DISASTER, Roland Emmerich would make a movie out of it.

ID4
(Which Is Supposed To Be The Abbreviation For The Movie “Independence Day” But I Have To Waste Time Explaining It To You Idiots So You Know What I’m Talking About)

Independence Day was a movie for the ages…when I was TEN! I was too foolish at the time to see it for what it was: pseudo science-fiction disaster porn!

Director Roland Emmerich has a sick addiction to blowing up the White House and he’s yet to get clean. Pervert.

This movie’s only tolerable when you’re staring into Jeff Goldblum’s dreamy, hazel eyes. Just you TRY and keep your fingers above waist-level with this hunk on screen:                              

And don’t forget to check out ID4.com, the original Independence Day website.

We Debut A New Segment. That’s Interesting. I Love This Show.

This episode will go down in podcast history as the episode that introduced what is surely to be a viral sensation: Gremlin Of The Week!

Andy kicked it off by bringing in his favourite Gremlin from the first Gremlins movie, which is appropriately titled “Gremlins”.

Which Gremlin did he pick this week?

Not to engage in click bait style writing, but let’s just say that Andy’s answer MAY surprise you…

But here it is.

Rogue One/10

Andy’s joke, not mine. Let me be perfectly clear that I did NOT come up with that joke.

You may have noticed a trend in our shows, that Star Wars comes up regularly, and it’s generally negative.

TAKE THAT NERDS!

So go change your pocket protector, re-tape the brim of your glasses, and get your asthma puffer prescription filled, because you’re in for a bumpy ride!

Go play with your Dexter Jettster action figures! And I KNOW you’ve got more than one!  Who can honestly resist the sex appeal, mystery, and intrigue of Dexter Jettster?  I can’t wait for his origin film!

Comes complete with armpit stains and exposed midriff

I Swear That All Of Muller’s Possessions Are Gifts.

Muller reveals on this episode that he used to live in a Red Box machine.  Handing out movies through the slot was the closest thing he has ever had to a real job.

Later, NERDS!

Unless you’ve voted for your most hated movie ever (of the week)! Then you aren’t a nerd.

Episode #5 – Terminator Genisys, Terminator Genisys, Terminator Genisys

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

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Terminator Genisys
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Terminator Genisys
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Terminator Genisys

When the hell did Braden learn how to use WordPress?

I mean I think it was only like a week ago the guy was still using a cassette deck to play music in his car. Usually technology beyond the year 1994 is basically unheard of to him. I mean, have you SEEN the size of his portable hard drive? Get real.

Just so we’re clear, “portable hard drive” was not intended as an innuendo in that last paragraph. If it was I wouldn’t have to ask if you’ve seen it, as I’m pretty sure he goes to great lengths to make sure everyone has.

At least Braden’s post spared us from another meandering Muller post. Those have about the same cohesion you would expect from an anime script.

But enough about my horseshit co-hosts, let’s get to some horseshit movies!

First let me scroll up to the title of this post I’m writing right now so I can check the spelling of MY Most Hated Movie EVER (of the week), Terminator Genisys!

Always a good sign of quality and branding when after all the prep done for recording an episode, I still can’t remember where they put the Y in Genisys. Perhaps they were just foreshadowing the confusion that you’ll feel when actually watching the movie.

I don’t want to think about what kind of sick fuck you have to be to understand the timeline of the terminator franchise after the events of this clusterfuck.

Eventually Muller gets sick of not knowing what the hell I’m talking about and changes the subject towards something else, Terminator Genisys!

Apparently he also didn’t know what the hell HE was talking about either because he doesn’t seem to remember a single thing that happens in the movie he decided to bring in.

Listen as we all try to figure out what any of his notes for the movie actually mean. I never actually know what Muller is ever talking about so I think me and Braden deserve a big pat on the back for this one.

You’re welcome!

Then Braden spares us all from anymore of Muller’s horse-cockery and mixes things up by bringing in Terminator Genisys!

Just when I had done my best to completely erase this movie from my memory, Braden has to show us all what brain cancer really feels like and make us talk about it for the last half hour of the episode. He should have known that nobody here wanted to spend any amount of time talking about that living aneurysm.

Thanks asshole!

And thanks to you assholes for tuning in!

That wraps up another groundbreaking episode of Real Movies with REAL Men. Try not to use up too much tissue cleaning up after that one and make sure to save some to wipe off your mouse so you can vote above on your Most Hated Movies EVER (of the week)!

Episode # 4 – Chappie, Darkness Falls, Crimson Peak

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

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Chappie
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Darkness Falls
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Crimson Peak

 

Finally An Episode That Contains 3 Movies!

You read that right! For the first time since episode one, my co-host idiots were both competent enough to bring in an actual movie to discuss.

Crappie

To kick off our Most Hated segment, Andy and his sexy beard bring in Neil Blomkramp’s attempt at a Short Circuit remake. If you recall, Short Circuit is that movie with the lovable Johnny 5 and the white actor whose skin they coloured brown to play the role of an Indian scientist.

I wonder if I can use my NES to upload my consciousness into Johnny 5.

Darkness Falls (on its face)

Then I brought in the scariest film I saw during my senior year of high school. The Ring? Nope. 28 Days Later? Give me a break! Cabin Fever? Oh shut your whore mouth already! I’m of course speaking of DARKNESS FALLS!!!!

You know, the super scary movie about a killer tooth fairy. You don’t remember? She’s the flying generic witch lady that wears a boring white porcelain mask and visits you when you lose your last baby tooth. Don’t look at her when she comes to visit or else, well, you get the idea.

If only Muller would hurry up and lose his last baby tooth, then she could pay him a visit and we could finally get him off this podcast once and for all!

Guillermo Del Bore-o!

Last but not least, well who am I kidding, of course he’s least! Muller brings in Crimson Peak. From one-hit-wonder Guillermo Del Toro comes another lame ghost story about people living in a house trying to solve the mystery of some unsolved murders or something.

I don’t really remember what happens in this movie. The only thing that kept me awake in the movie theatre was the constant jump scares. They made me feel so cheap and used. If the only scary things that happen in your movie are sudden loud noises, then your movie sucks!

Don’t forget to vote for your MOST HATED MOVIE EVER (of the week)! See you later, losers!

Episode #3 – God’s Not Dead, Cineplex Magazine Vol. 17 #10, Red Dawn Remake

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

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God’s Not Dead
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Cineplex Magazine Vol. 17 #10
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Red Dawn Remake

One of the biggest hallmarks of being a REAL man is admitting when you’ve done something wrong.

So for this post I’d like to start out with a personal apology.

For whatever reason I saw it fit to take my eyes off Muller for just a few moments, and the first chance he gets the weaselly cunt takes it upon himself to write the post for the second episode. I can imagine the severe nausea as each and every reader suffered through that one.

I take full responsibility for this.

It’s bad enough we let him speak during the episodes, when he should just be turning dials. But now I’ve slipped up and actually let him start writing too!

So please dear readers, feel my regret and know that I am deeply sorry.

But now let’s embark towards the road to forgiveness with a new episode and new HATE!

Muller starts by driving us down to a more spiritual place, with God’s Not Dead.

And I do mean “driving us down”, because although I’ve never personally seen it, it sounds like a real fucking wreck. Nothing better than a bunch of Christian propaganda disguised as a movie that paints every non-believer as a complete and total asshole.

I half expect that slippery fuck Muller brought this in as a foot in the door for his staunch religious agenda. Though he fails to remember that the internet is made up of proud degenerates like me, who keep driving it back to a state of complete debauchery that resembles downtown Detroit circa Robocop era.

But fret not, after Jesus takes the wheel for Muller’s segment, I punch that loser in the face, kick his ass out the driver-side door, and watch his frail body tumble in the rear-view mirror as I drive some real hate towards the Cineplex Magazine!

You see dear readers, as much as Muller embarrassed me with the post last time, he really inspired me in the episode itself.

You see I didn’t realize that when we started making a podcast about movies, that pretty much everything in this world is actually a movie regardless of length, episodic structure, vision, character investment, filming techniques, sub plots, story/character evolution over time, and whether or not it’s actually a movie at all.

Thank goodness he has enlightened us all. So now when we run out of ideas just a couple episodes into the podcast, we can just bloviate about whatever dumb thing happens to be infesting our minds that day.

This also allowed me to spew poison all over the dumpster lining that is the Cineplex Magazine. So perhaps I will humble myself and say thanks to Muller for that. I sure as fuck am not happy about it though.

For reference, here is the magazine in question:

If that doesn’t make you want to burn every copy you can find, I don’t know what will.

Then finally Braden uses this podcast as a vehicle to yet again crash into another needless Hollywood remake, as he brings us to the 2012 Red Dawn.

In the first episode post, I made the prediction that this podcast would probably devolve into us just bitching about movie reboots. Apparently Braden seems determined to get us there a lot quicker than I thought, as he has used every episode thus far to shit on these shameless cash grabs.

At this rate if Braden is not careful, Hollywood is gonna see this many installments of this trend in our podcast and feel it also needs to be rebooted into a movie. And I’m the kind of person that will sellout everyone around me if I benefit in someway. I’ll happily take their blood money and run.

So that’s all for now fuckheads!

Another exciting installment of Real Movies with REAL Men in the fucking bag! Make sure to flex the bicep muscles in your finger real hard as you click to vote on your Most Hated Movie EVER (of the week)!

Episode #2 – Blair Witch Remake, Godzilla, The Walking Dead

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:

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Blair Witch Remake
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Godzilla 2014
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The Walking Dead

All it takes is one good Muller to make it to the end of Episode #2 without killing himself.

And that Muller is me, and I’m the Mullchaelangelo of this podcast. Crafting the most REAL commentary on zombies since Braden was born from a literal zombie’s womb.

Let’s just start here by saying that Andy can eat his own ass. What’s the difference between The Walking Dead and a movie? Almost nothing. Andy’s only argument against me bringing that in as a most hated movie is that it’s longer.

Boo hoo, too long of a show for Andy to judge. What a sissy.

I guess now we can’t bring The Hobbit in as our most hated movie ever, huh? Seeing as those three-hour movies each take 100 hours to watch.

I’m going to say this once, and say this for all. This is a podcast for REAL men. Anyone who wants to be a crybaby Wasserman-Schultz sand-eating sensi-bunny can get the hell out right now! That includes you Andy!

Now let’s talk about what a screwup Andy is

At the beginning of the episode, that HACK Andy made a lame scripted joke about how he hopes I “don’t wait until the end of the episode to kill myself”. Unfortunately for him, I was ready with the wittiness of Jerry Seinmuller.

“I will not”.

3 simple words is all it took to make him bumble together a nonsensical retort, looking like a complete fool in the process.

The stench of his failure is so bad that even Godzilla, 400 feet high, can smell it.

That armpit sniffer, Braden, finally stopped heel-walking and wrote a decent segment

Can you believe that guy’s segment on Episode #1?

He’s getting lost all over the place, caught up on extraneous details, just going on and on and on with run-on sentences without taking a second to actually stop and think about whether anything he’s saying is actually funny or interesting, like he’s an uneducated high-school dropout who posts deep memes like “Maybe death is actually better than life, and that’s why no one ever comes back”.

If you haven’t listened to Episode #1 yet, get your finger ready on that “skip 30 seconds” button, ’cause you’re gonna need it!

Get the hell out of here with the details, man. No REAL man is going to keep listening to this podcast with all these subtleties, nuances, and other fairy crap.

Here’s that Blair Witch photo that Braden shows us on his phone. He says that it looks like an ogre, but I think he’s just trying to cover up a weird fetish or something because his phone felt pretty sweaty.

Is that my sister?

I also tried to get a video of that dumb Walking Dead season 6 finale, with the dumb animated blood pouring down the dumb screen, but my Google Chrome is too dumb to figure out what I’m trying to get it to do.

Episode #1 – World War Z, Poltergeist Remake, Return Of The Jedi

Vote for your most hated movie EVER (of the week) here:
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World War Z
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Poltergeist Remake
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Return of the Jedi

Welcome to Real Movies with REAL Men, the worlds FIRST and ONLY movie talkshow podcast!

REAL Men! Assemble!

The world is in complete peril right now! Plagued by factory line superhero movies, horribly needless remakes, and the ever so dreaded Adam Sandler “films”. Is there no silence to this madness?! Or should you stop delaying the inevitable and just slice open those wrists right now?!

Well guess what fuckos! We’re here to help. Because what this world needs most right now is REAL men complaining about things they hate on a digital medium.

No sissies!

Never more will you have to listen to that annoying coworker prattle on about how it’s unfair that the Fast and Furious movies never get nominated for an Oscar. You know, the same coworker that you wonder how our education system ever let slip through, and also get stricken with fear as you realize they have like three kids that they are raising.

Whenever these wastes of life start flapping their mouths, just plug in your headphones and let your ears be jerked off by the soothing sound of us! REAL men verbally abusing real movies like they’re a housewife that just overcooked dinner.

So now that I’ve won EVERYONE over with a joke about domestic abuse, let’s get to the very first episode of Real Movies With REAL Men. The show where each week we bring in our Most Hated Movie EVER (of the week) and you vote for the ones you also hate!

HATE!

First Muller kicks things off with World War Z.

A real walking corpse of a movie that picks up its own severed limb and uses it to beat the dead horse that is the zombie genre. Except this dead horse seems to be completely devoid of blood. I guess that horse has been dead for a while if Hollywood thinks it can get away with a zombie movie where people get bit and don’t bleed.

But hey! It’s also completely devoid of anything resembling a script. Let’s not worry about that though, we can just start filming and I’m sure we’ll come up with an ending that makes sense along the way. Oh…

Normally Muller’s logic comes across as that of an extra-terrestrial trying its best to blend in with mankind. But I gotta admit he might be onto something here.

Then just when you think a CGI zombie fuckfest is the worst thing you could possibly imagine, Braden comes in with the 2015 Poltergeist.

A completely different kind of fuckfest that actually resembles that of a rapefest. Where Hollywood takes our favorite classics, bends them over a table, and makes them squeal like a pig.

Yes, this is the first remake brought into the show, that I’m sure will become a series of us trying to comprehend the movie industry’s justification for this.

Please Hollywood, no more. Our assholes are gaping at this point.

And then I, your trusted hero, betrays your trust by bringing in a movie that has been asking for it for a long time now. Return of the Jedi. I can already hear the sound of a thousand nerds adjusting their glasses as they fail to believe what they just read.

I know that this is a movie that a lot of people love, and a few idiots regard as the best Star Wars. But sometimes being a hero means taking a stand against the status quo. And sometimes that means stuffing a nerd into a locker until he can admit his favourite movie isn’t all that great, or pisses himself. I’ll accept either.

Here’s a clip of the ridiculous explosion mentioned in the episode that Han Solo couldn’t have possibly survived. All credit to the REAL men at RedLetterMedia for the hilarious commentary provided in the video. Check out their site if you want reasons to accuse me of ripping someone off.

I should leave it at that though. I’ve probably already soiled my reputation in this episode with an amount of Star Wars knowledge that will surely guarantee I die an incredibly lonely death.

So there we have it doodz.

The very first episode of Real Movies With REAL Men. A show where people put their biceps in their tongues and lay a verbal beatdown on movie crews that will never hear it.

And don’t forget, a REAL man makes sure to vote for all his Most Hated Movies EVER (of the week), so we can determine what the Most Hated Movie EVER (for real EVER) really is.