Episode #18 – The Hobbit

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The Hobbit

TASTE.

Some of us have it, and some of us have orange beards. Some of us can enjoy the flesh of this world as we swish around fine wines and chocolate in our mouths, while some of us just have long, dark, sexy, wavy hair.

Papa Murphy’s Stuffed Pizza is the finest in fine italian cuisine known to man. Unfortunately we have two cavemen co-hosts who wouldn’t know a mean pizza if it arrested them in the streets of New York for being black.

Let’s examine the pros of Papa Murph’s Stuffed Pizza in more detail:

  • the best tasting pizza you’ve ever had
  • this pizza tastes better than pizza from NEWYEORK
  • anyone who doesn’t like this pizza is a freaking idiot

The cons:

  • you have to cook it in one oven instead of a different oven

Andy just can’t deal with the simplest, easiest actions of putting a pizza into a metal cube known as your oven. What a crybaby. If someone told me that they would kill my family if I didn’t do one single jumping jack, I could probably figure out how to put my hands in the air and spread my legs.

And yet missing out on Papa Murphy’s Stuffed Pizza is a much bigger tragedy. What a troglodyte.

You may be thinking “But Muller, I’ve tried out the Papa Murphy’s Pizza and it was just normal pizza”. It’s true that Papa Murphy’s ALSO serves a regular sized pizza, but you’d be a fool to mix that up with their STUFFED pizza.

Even J.R.R. Tolkien knows how great this pizza is. I quote:

One Papa Murphy’s Stuffed Pizza to rule them all,
One Papa Murphy’s Stuff Pizza to find them,
One Papa Murphy’s to bring them all
and in the darkness be the finest damn pizza you’ve ever had, you turds.

That’s a real quote from Tolkien. No pun intended.

I don’t know why I always cast my pearls before swine though. I should just let these disgusting cohosts continue on with their vegetarian garbage and single-dish chinese food. They’re ridiculous.

Honestly though, we’ve gone back and forth on what these episode posts should be.

  • Should they be summaries of the episode so you know what it’s about?
  • Should they be building on inside jokes from the episode that you’re meant to read afterwards?
  • Should they be promos for new listener, or DLC for old ones?

The correct answer is of course none of the above. The episode post should solely be used to deliver grandstanding monologues ripping apart Andy’s stupid as hell Chinese food arguments without leaving him any chance to defend himself.

It’s about disabling your enemies and kicking them while they roll down the non wheelchair accessible stairs of the white house.

Speaking Of Chinese Food

There’s one right way to eat chinese food, and it involves more than just a plate of gor-ram meatballs.

Andy claims “He wants us to get separate plates of Chinese and share like a bunch of Mullers”.

Well clearly it’s not just a bunch of Mullers doing this considering you admitted on the episode that even your own family prefers it that way,

YOU HACK!

The debate is of course between Family-Style food, and “Get Your Own Dish”.

In one corner of the ring is Andy with his illogical “Get Your Own Dish” style. Some benefits of this style are:

  • you only get to order one dish, even though anyone with a half sophisticated palate probably doesn’t view “1 pound of pure bacon” as a real meal
  • you get to hold onto the paranoid delusion that a family styled meal means that people are going to eat more than their fair share and you’ll somehow get screwed out of food. I’ve never witnessed this happening – if your friends aren’t jerks, they’re usually pretty conscious of the sharing rules. But luckily if you’re Andy, you can just choose to believe that all your friends are as big of assholes as you are!
  • you miss out on any of the legitimately good dishes that your friend Muller, who has actually been to ChongQing before, recommends to you

In the other corner of the ring is Muller, with the reasonable, triple-multi-beneficial, super-duper “Family Style” chinese food style:

  • shows that you view your friends as humans, not irradiated beasts waiting to take advantage of you for a nickle’s worth of lo mein.
  • you can try a variety of dishes, thus bringing different nutrients to your body, building strength.
  • literally makes you a better person

I think the winner is clear.

Now that we’ve settled that, make your way over to ChongQing on Robson or Broadway in Vancouver. No jokes here. Just an ad.

Oh, And We Also Talked About The Hobbit

How’s that for summarizing our episode you living pieces of garbage.

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