Episode #62 – The Back To The Future Sequels

What would you do if you had a time machine?

The number one answer that everyone says is go back in time and kill baby Hitler. But I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t think that’s the best approach.

Beyond the fact that most people don’t have it in them psychologically to kill a baby, have we not learned anything from Doc Browns constant rantings about the unforeseen consequences of altering the natural course of history that he himself is repeatedly contradicting throughout the course of the franchise?

I have to be honest though, I don’t really care about any of that stuff, but if I had access to time travel I still don’t think I would prevent Hitler from committing such an atrocity. I would however redirect the atrocity towards a more deserving crowd.

I don’t really have any problem with the Jews, but there is another crowd of people fixated on money that I would try to direct Hitler’s angst towards in hopes to fill up them camps with. And that’s people who brag about how they don’t use a wallet.

What the fuck kind of principle is this to be proud of!? Who gives a shit!? This has to be the lamest personal achievement to be bragging about I could possibly think of.

I’m so fucking sick of hearing the false sense of accomplishment in their voice as they brag about this. As if it somehow makes you better than everyone else that instead you just jam wads of cash, cards, receipts, and whatever into your pocket like a fucking child with bubblegum and pogs or whatever else the kids are into these days.

Lets do better than just stop Hitler with a time machine. Lets use this as an opportunity. Lets use his powers of persuasion for good. Lets rid the planet of the actual people that need to die.

What I wouldn’t give to go back in time and get Hitler to station his goons outside the store waiting for people to buy money clips and then casually and calmly direct them into a fucking gas chamber. To hell with the unforeseen consequences, lets roll the dice!

Boy am I going to have egg on my face if all the people buying money clips turn out to be Jews…


Episode #61 – Tiptoes, Throwing Bums Out On The Street Where They Belong

You know when you have an argument with someone, and then 2 days later you’re still thinking up better retorts in the shower that you wish you had said?

I was hoping for one of those on this week’s episode about complaining about my roommate.

My brain really let me down this time. I literally have nothing else to say because I so fully expressed it in my 45-minute rant on this episode. All the chips are down on the table. All the hot gossip is meticulously explored. We’re the Socrates of complaining about homeless bums baby!

Also, here’s a picture of Gary Oldman from Tiptoes dressed in Midgetface:

Episode #60 – Black Panther

Meeoww, this kitty has claws.

Is cat face wrong? Are these super furries? Does the cast of Real Movies enjoy a good CGI floor? Does this film do justice to everyone’s favorite issue nobody has seen, The Panther vs The Klan?

Would a Black Panther movie shot in the rural south, where the Panther fucks up a bunch of Klansman, been a better movie? Probably.

Some of this and more on today’s episode of Real Movies with Real Men!

Episode # 59 – The Last Airbender

Can we please make childface a thing?

You know, having an fully grown adult present themselves as a caricature of a young child. Like blackface, but this way we don’t have to deal with watching a movie with a child protagonist.

I bitch about a lot of reoccurring things in movies. CGI, zoom-in shaky cam, 3D, high frame rate, James Franco. But none of these are the worst offender out there.

See, when I first mentioned a comparison to blackface above, I’m sure that got some shudders from a few of you. Why would I be advocating favorably for something comparable to blackface!? You see, people like the black community, but nobody likes children. So childface should be fully endorsed by all.

A bad child actor will ruin even the best movies, but I’m starting to think maybe it’s not just the bad ones. Maybe we just need to keep all children out of prominent/speaking roles. Leave them with just the on-screen death roles.

Sure if we take the role of an 8 year old character and give it to Ryan Gosling, or as I call him The Gosler, it would be horribly unconvincing and completely take you out of the movie. But is it any worse than this!?

Ya that’s what I thought.

Nobody likes children. Nobody. Not even their own.

I’ve had this theory regarding the “breastfeeding in public” debate for a while. You know the argument of whether mothers breastfeeding in public is considered acceptable or not. I always hear from people in favor of it that you shouldn’t be so stuck up about seeing a boob being used for its natural intended purpose.

But I don’t think those people fully understand where the opposition is coming from. You see nobody has a problem about seeing tits in public, I think it’s actually the end goal of all civilized societies. The problem is seeing your disgusting child in public.

Yuck, gross. Put that shit away. Leave it at home. Anything, do anything but parade around your stoopid baby for the rest of us to see.

And it’s the same with kids on screen. Keep ’em away. Embrace childface.




Here’s the pictures of Snitchard controlling video games with his mind from the story told on the episode.


Episode #58 – iRobot, Videotaping Yourself Masturbating And Watching It As Pornography

Prude Is The New Pervert

I never thought I’d be able to top Snitchard for bizarre, shocking sexual stories, but today the unimaginable happened.

By trying to be a good “American-Christian” teenager, keeping my lustful thoughts at bay, I’ve turned into the most perverted person in modern society.

It turns out, the best way to be scandalous to degenerates like Snitchard and Andy is to just…not have sex. Just goes to show how twisted modern society is!

Truth-bending like this, and more, in today’s episode!


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Episode #57 – The Rocky Franchise aka Sawsgiving 2.5

Just what the hell do I have to say to get this podcast at the center of some outrage!?

This week some kid gets seen standing while wearing a red hat and everyone loses their fucking mind. Meanwhile Muller and I put forth our best effort every episode to mock and belittle every oppressed social group we can think of and nothing!


Where’s the respect? Do I need to sell out this quickly?

Week by week this podcast sits at about 7 regular listeners and 200ish dummy account downloads that I pay some Asian guy to gin up, to eventually sell the podcast to the Chinese market. Years spent working toward that eventual 300 dollars and so far no response from China at all!

What do I have to do? Is it the red hats? Is that all it takes?

I constantly get told we need some kind of Joe Rogan style video feed to get more attention and I always assume they’re retarded for thinking I’m motivated enough to put even the slightest bit of effort into making this podcast into something. But perhaps they are right.

Nobody really cares to listen to the constant hate speech we espouse week to week, but they sure as fuck would if they could see we were wearing red hats while doing so.

So, much like Rocky, we’re going to get back up and keep moving forward, or some other Rocky-themed analogy that will surely tie this rant into what the episode is actually about. So say goodbye to edgy attempts at intentionally pushing people’s buttons, and hello to sitting quietly in front of a camera while wearing red hats. I can already smell the intoxicating fumes of those sweet sweet China dollar bills.




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Episode #55 – Fight Club and Fucking “The Twelve Days Of Christmas”

99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer.
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Take one down and pass it around, no more bottles of beer on the wall.

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Go to the store and buy some more, 99 bottles of beer on the wall.

Episode #54 – Robin Hood

Why is it that all our male action protagonists all look like they should be a waiter at Olive Garden?

What happened? When did this become appealing? How did it come to this? How could you ever put your faith in a character to save the world, that you only just barely have enough faith in to serve you bread sticks?

And yet this is now the norm. I swear all of the newest action movies I’ve seen have gone down this route. Robin Hood, the 2018 Predator, Ready Player One… All the pussiest looking specimens that look like they’re “just waiting tables in the meantime until their modeling career takes off.”

It’s sickening.

These filmmakers all expect me to get excited about seeing these pretty boys at the helm of all our current action thrillers. I miss the days of Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Van-Damme, Seagal. When people only called them handsome because they were worried the action stars might kick the shit out of them if they didn’t.

It’s a big problem when it looks like I could kick the crap out of them or run them over and not at all be worried about it potentially scratching the paint job on my Civic. That’s right, even guys who drive Civics don’t think these losers are cool.

Get real.


Episode #53 – The Purge, Jerking Off Your Own Disabled Son

Every day is Purge Day in a Marxist utopia

Just think about it. Anytime you’re upset that someone has more skills or talent than you, you can just accuse them of being too “privileged” and then gather your torches and pitchforks.

More rejected ideas for wacky purge gangs and villains:

  • The Little Kings: a group of midgets that run around wearing cardboard Burger King crowns. They only eat burgers and use a lot of burger lingo and insults, like “Hey you damn onion ring, you messed with the wrong king”.
  • Michael Douglas from Falling Down: he’s fed up with the world’s shit, and with a bag full of guns you’d better hope you don’t mildly inconvenience him
  • The Tighty Whiteys: they all wear their underwear on the outside of their pants and drink warm milk.
  • The Kingpins: a gang of bowlers that throw around bowling ball bombs
  • The Diabetics: super fat, complain about having diabetes, soak up all of the government’s health care dollars.
  • Blackfoot: leader of “The Diabetics”.
  • The Notaries: they follow people around, and anytime they make a promise in a personal conversation they turn it into a legal obligation. Particularly insidious against young people or politicians (whoo hoo, that’s some low ass hanging fruit to call a politician a liar).
  • The Audiophiles: carries around superpowered speakers to burst your eardrums. But damnit if that music won’t be in a crisp, lossless format.

Credit to Dave for some of these ideas.

Episode #52 – Bohemian Rhapsody

Here’s the thing about Queen…

Everybody loves Queen and it always surprises me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I think they’re bad. They’ve definitely written a few songs that I think are nearly objectively loved by all. Even if you’re only familiar with their singles, that seems to be enough for most to appreciate them.

It surprises me because every guy at some point has to realize when watching a live video of Queen that he is not as cool as Freddy Mercury. His presence, that bitchin’ mustache, the way he flails around with the top of the mic stand. It’s immediately apparent how cool he is. But what’s also very apparent is how incredibly ghey he is.

Now not only is he sooper ghey, he’s also sooper ghey with aids. I think we can all agree there’s nothing less cool than that.

But despite all that, he’s still cooler than all of us. And to admit that you’ve heard/seen Queen, you can’t deny that. You can’t deny that you’re not even as cool as a ghey dood who died of aids.

So it’s very surprising to me that most men would knowingly admit this by openly enjoying Queen.

But what about women? Can they overcome this hurdle? Are they able to take a break from listening to their usual garbage like CHVRCHES or The Weeknd? What do they think about Queen?

I’ll answer this with another question.

Who cares what women think?


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Episode #51 – Venom, Sawsgiving 2

You can never come back from the dead…

…unless you’re Fred Krueger or Muller. And yes I know I just referred to myself in the 3rd person, but you noticed so that makes you just as big of an asshole.

I owe a lot of apologies for missing last week’s episode.

I’m sorry my immune system was as weak as Venom’s villain, barely even able to fight one-on-one with a symbiotic virus. You’d think being white would have given me a better result than Indian Elon Musk.

I’m sorry I made you all miss another riveting episode of RMwRM, and most of all I’m sorry for putting subliminal messages in the audio from last weeks non-episode that’ll train you to love our show like we’re Josie and the Pussycats.

I Dream Of Sawsgiving

And I’m stronger than ever. Fully prepared for, not a scary day, but a mostly boring, and mind-numbing day, I pulled out my fruit platter and got to slouching.

Last year was 7 SAW movies in a row.

This year…EIGHT Nightmare on Elm St. movies. That’s over 12 hours of Fred Krueger, which is longer than Pinocchio’s nose after being tricked to answer questions at a furry convention.

Get to the episode, chumps.

Not Episode #50


If you came here expecting more of our regular witty bantz that keeps you from offing yourself, you best start start tying that hangman’s knot now.

Before you start pointing the blame to me you should know that this, like most things, is all Muller’s fault.

As it turns out the state of your immune system is directly proportionate to how much of a fucking pussy you are. It’s what happens when you spend your entire upbringing avoiding all the cool things us cool guys do, like watching Robocop, drinking gasoline, and eating rocks.

So here we are today, no new episode all because for Muller getting the common cold is enough to have your testicles fall off, invert your penis, and have it turn into a full fledged vagina.

But fret not!

The movie we were going to discuss was that stoopid Venom movie, and like most of these boring sooper hero movies, its not even worth talking about.

Seriously, these fucking sooper hero movies. I know I bitch about them like a broken record, but goddammit are these things boring as fuck.

I read a quote from one of the hack producers involved with the creation of this trash heap that said “we made this movie to feel like the works of John Carpenter and David Cronenberg but with more pop, more fun!” So… like the works of Carpenter and Cronenberg, but just completely not at all. They sure know how to make me excited about being in a movie theater.

As I got up to leave the second the credits hit the screen, I heard another person in the theater passively aggressively say aloud as I passed by them, “don’t they know to stay for the after credits scene?”. I think in some kind of bold attempt to make me feel ashamed.

Look idiot, I didn’t care what happened before the credits, like I give a fuck what happens after. I got the fuck out of the theater as fast as I possibly could.

And that’s all she wrote folks, these movies are so bland they aren’t even good for complaining about.

SAW ya later!

But the real take away from this post is this, SAWsgiving is upon us! That’s right, last year we sat down to watch all 7 (at the time) Saw movies IN ONE SITTING and this year we’re still dumb enough to do it again! BITCH!

But this time with a different franchise, hopefully something less miserable this time. You’ll have to tune in next time for the big episode 50 to find out!

I’ll give you a hint, if you’re hoping for me to tell, DREAM ON!



Episode #49 – Circle-jerking Predator, also “The Predator”

“Clever” artists are fucking retarded.

Take note of the keyword “clever” artists here. I have no problem with just regular artists who do their shit, create their art, and then ship it.

But this has nothing to do with them.

My cousin is a clever artist, and we had to write a slogan for a surrogacy agency that said “this is why we’re unique. This is why you should do business with us instead of competing agencies”.

Surrogacy is a weird fucking business where parents who can’t have kids get Tina Fey to have their baby for them.

Apparently, it’s really hard to get a woman to rip her vagina open to give birth to a baby that isn’t even theirs – can you believe women aren’t lining up for THAT opportunity!? But we took on the challenge anyway to try to encourage surrogates to sign up instead of wasting away their fat miserable lives eating Cheetos and tripping on the welfare office curb.

Clever cousin comes up with the be all end all slogan for our clients:

“Make Life Worth It”.

If you’re anything like me, you can smell padded bullshit anywhere. That slogan is the most boring corporate shit that you could ever think of. It could apply to literally any business whatsoever:

  • McDonald’s: Make Life Worth It!
  • Disneyland: Make Life Worth It!
  • Your local shitdive brothel: Make Life Worth It! (you know…because of the prostitutes)

I tried explaining this, only to receive the biggest line of bullshit I’ve ever been served (and I grew up in the farmlands):

“No, it’s actually perfect for them! Look at how much meaning is imbued in this slogan:

  • Make life = because the surrogates are MAKING a life!
  • Make life = because the surrogates are taking these couples, who are basically dead inside because they can’t have a baby, and they’re breathing life back into them with a baby!
  • Worth it = because the surrogates get paid a bit of money for their service, making it worth it for them.

How the fuck is anyone reading the line “make life worth it” going to think any of that shit? It’s not even a clever sort of clever: it’s a dumb ass sort of clever.

It turns out that you can be as clever as you want, but if you’re not good at translating that cleverness over to your audience, then it’s all just bullshit in your own fantasy mind where everyone can understand you.

This is what makes the original predator so great

Idiot sci-fi writers tend to just cram as much dumb future technology into their stories as they can, and it always ends up in the same result: no one fucking cares. That’s because it’s too alienating (pun fucking intended) for the audience, so your brain just kind of rejects it all.

See Valerian or Ready Player One for an in-depth breakdown of this phenomenon.

But predator knew better than that. In the original Predator, the predator just has a few pieces of futuristic, but rusty-looking tech. He’s got:

  • some heat vision
  • a cool laser

That’s mostly it. The rest of his tech is swords and shit, which is really easy for a general audience to take in.

The new predator, on the other hand, is just full of extra dumb shit:

  • predator dogs
  • predator ships with complex force field generators
  • giant predators
  • the predator killer (some dumb space suit that wraps around a human and turns them into a weapon)
  • predator invisibility balls (for just anyone to use!)
  • a bunch of other rat semen inventions that no one can even remember

This all adds up to something that’s the equivalent of “Make Life Worth It” – the writers think it’s genius, but no one on the outside has any idea what the fuck is going on.

Instead of watching “The Predator”, just pull out your copy of the original Predator and watch it twice. You’ll thank me now.

Episode #48 – The Happytime Murders

Do I really need to explain that this movie was bad?

I mean it doesn’t take long in the movie’s trailer for Melissa McCarthy to show up. That should be an immediate indicator as to the quality that you can expect.

I mean at this point ripping on Melissa McCarthy has become such a cliche on the internet that I would just feel cheap to regurgitate the same lazy pot shots that everyone is sick to death of. Come on people, is it really that unreasonable for Hollywood to finally showcase a female character with more realistic standards of beauty?

I don’t wanna be that guy, so instead I’ll just use some stills from this movie of Melissa McCarthy to fill the post.

People can be so cruel.


Episode #47 – 9 Month’s Of Fermenting Water Bottle Piss (Also Known As Corry), Jingle All The Way

A good story cuts to the chase – a classic rule.

Instead of derailing into five hundred mundane details like how your grandma baked great pies that were great, and your coworker also happens to like these sorts of pies, you want to get to the meat of your story and say just enough that your buildup and climax make sense (unlike this paragraph, which is ripe with mundane details).

Our guest Corry misread that classic rule as “a good story cuts the chase” because his stories include exclusively mundane details about sweeping up construction with a broom and how he wins Facebook 24-hour bidding competitions (oh wait, that was me).

Even this random idiot YouTuber knows how to fix your stories Corry – and he’s an idiot. Thanks for being on the show!

Episode #46 – Top Gun

Well this is embarrassing…

There’s nothing worse than another person catching you with a “OH MY GOD! YOU’VE NEVER SEEN  _____”. Clearly using this gotcha as a display of political positioning in the great game of social hierarchy that is our lives.

But now I must admit a story of great shame…

Up until this week I had never seen Top Gun.

I’ve heard the references. Maverick, Iceman, volleyball, and… weird teeth? But when the references go any further I’m always forced to play my hand and admit to having never seen it. The bewilderment from others reactions has always pushed me to the bottom of the pecking order.

But don’t be fooled, this story isn’t shameful because I hadn’t seen Top Gun. The reality is, I feel a great sense of shame only now for having actually watched it.

This movie fucking sucks and I’m embarrassed to now be a part of the social dreg that have seen it. Honestly, what kind of loser gets excited about a bunch of sweaty bros singing karaoke spliced between scenes of jets doing nothing? Let’s get the record straight, it’s you who should be ashamed for liking this shit.

So to all those who still haven’t seen top gun, the next time you get called out with a “OH MY GOD! YOU’VE NEVER SEEN TOP GUN!”, you just fire right back with a “OH MY GOD! YOU’VE SEEN TOP GUN!”

Let’s take it back, and Make Top Gun Shameful Again.


Episode #45 – Brokeback Mountain

My Butt Hurts

What’s the gayest movie you’ve ever seen? Hedwig and the Angry Inch? Party Monster? Pain & Gain?

Brokeback Mountain isn’t what I thought it’d be.

I expected a movie about gay cowboys eating pudding and kicking ass in the name of love. Instead, what I got was a cast of boring southwestern white trash dicking around for 2 hours. And Randy Quaid.

Shitter’s Full!

No, I’m not quoting Jack Twist here. I’m quoting some classic Randy Quaid! Uncle Eddie is probably my favourite fictional drunk character of his. A close 2nd is Russell Casse (from Independence Day, or ID4 as the cool kids called it back in the 90’s).

He spends the entirety of the movie completely piss drunk. And after a military debriefing on how to attack the alien ships at the end of the movie, they find out Randy was a former pilot in Vietnam and promptly start shoving coffee in his face to sober him up. They knowingly put a man, drunk off his ass, into a fighter jet as humanity’s last hope. Claiming he’d been abducted 10 years prior, he was eager to get his shots in.

As we joked in Episode 6 of RMwRM, we’re all pretty sure this wasn’t acting. They just had a camera follow around Randy Quaid for a few days and this is what they got.

I Wonder How Much Method Acting Jake & Heath Did To Prepare

Probably not as much as Michael and Oscar did for Gay Witch Hunt.

What Is Texas Known For Again?

Somebody remind me…

Episode #44 – Classy Cars Make You Better Than Everyone Else, Showgirls

Disclaimer: you’re really not going to know what the hell these posts are going on about if you haven’t listened to the first 30:00 of the episode.

A Real Man’s Guide To Morality

The best way to be a good person is to have better stuff than other people.

A real man drinks the best wine. He owns an upscale that acts as a status symbol to send signals to all the weaker men that he can dominate them. He’s the boss of other workers, and they know it.

Most importantly, he drives a classic car. This is the true hallmark of virtue.

Anyone that claims that their boring grey 2008 Hyundai Tucson is as cool a 1960 Pontiac is shitting themselves.

It turns out that Andy and Richard truly are bad people, displaying the egregious sin of pride in what’s clearly the height of arrogant self-deception.

Relativism Is For Pussies

Have you ever noticed how every time someone is about to lose an argument they just say some crap like “it’s subjective”?

That’s because they’re pussies who don’t understand the terms of the conversation. It’s like when someone says “Yeah, my 1989 Honda Accord is just as good as your Bugatti Veyron, because it’s subjective”.

No, it’s not. A Bugatti Veyron is $1.7 Million and your Honda Accord was “inherited” from your grandpa before he even died because he was just going to send it to the trash heap anyway.

You might “prefer” it, but it’s 100x more likely that you’d take the Bugatti given the choice. You’re just trying to make yourself feel better for not having something cool.

Relativism is about redefining the world around you so that everything works in your favor:

  • Don’t make as much money as your neighbor? “Money is just materialistic anyways” – now you’re a winner!
  • Does your friend have a hotter wife than you? “I’m more attracted to inner beauty” – win again!
  • Does your son have a better job than you? “Children are the future” – another win.

As you can probably infer, just put an asterisk* and then “AKA a lame way to make yourself feel better instead of trying harder” beside each of these bullet points.

It’s better to get a 4.0GPA than a 3.0GPA.

The fact of the matter is: some things are better than other things.

There’s a postmodern idea in western culture today that says everything is subjective and relative.

Newsflash: it’s fucking not. SOME things are subjective, and a whole lot of other things are objective.

Chocolate ice cream VS vanilla ice cream is subjective. Bugatti VS Honda is not. I personally would feel like a dick driving that ugly Bugatti, but at the very least I can sell the Bugatti and get a classy car I really want.

Episode #43 – Jurassic World 2

Speaking of dinosaurs…

Remember a time when every mainstream movie wasn’t a horrendous bloated cash grab? When big studios were willing to take a risk?

Remember when going to the theater was an experience of splendor and awe? How it filled your mind with a thrill of childlike wonder?

Remember as you spent more cash on another movie ticket not being reminded that you traded just some of your finite amount of time and life to earn it, just to waste it on more poorly written uninteresting drivel?

Remember not comparing the visuals and artistic direction to that of a fucking migraine? Not confusing the movie going experience with the fear of an impending aneurysm?

Remember the days when you didn’t go to a movie knowing it was going to be terrible just so you would have some fodder for your stupid podcast that nobody listens to? Days that you didn’t have to waste in the company of a goddamn Muller for some futile attempt to create content?

Remember never praying that the movie would get cut short by one of those frustrated gamers that decides to make the news by shooting up a theater?

Remember fun? Remember joy?

Ya, neither do I.



Episode #42 – Ocean’s 8

Ocean’s 77%

I’m sick of Hollywood re-imagining classic movies with predominantly male casts and simply replacing the roles with females and while bringing nothing new to the table.

Let’s quit making movies 77% as good as their male counterparts and instead refresh some female-led movies to make them 23% better! Here are some classics that desperately need a male re-imagining (despite how click baity that sentence was I won’t make you click to a different page to see each one!):

  • Sex and the City
  • Pretty Woman
  • Little Women
  • Legally Blonde
  • Atomic Blonde
  • Miss Congeniality
  • Steel Magnolias
  • Mean Girls
  • Thelma and Louise
  • Juno
  • There’s Something About  Mary
  • Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants
  • A League Of Their Own
  • Ghostbusters 2016

That Girl From The Bus

Sandy Bullocks is at her best as a wing man. The only movie she leads in that is worth any praise is THE NET! I can never get enough of that sweet 90’s internet-speak. Even the Costanza’s are big fans:

Sandy is at her best in a support role. She rocks in Speed, Demolition Man, Speed 2: Cruise Control, and ugh, what else is she in? Man, I’m really talking out of my butt here.

Oh yeah, she’s in Gravity! That one was kinda cool. But don’t be fooled into thinking George Clooney is anything but the lead in that movie.

Hold on a second…

Possible Connection Between Gravity and Ocean’s 11?

Is there a crossover between these 2 gigantic movie universes? In the Ocean’s extended universe, Sandy is George Clooney’s sister right? So did Clooney survive space? Maybe that was his biggest heist of all! He faked his own death and met Julie Roberts on Mars to live alone with all of their stolen riches. Classic Clooney.

Ocean’s 8 takes place before Gravity. Sandy thinks he is dead and in the Ocean’s 8 sequel, she and the gals plan a space heist against NASA. It won’t bring your brother back Sandy, just let it go.

Women Need Better Representation In 90’s Wrestling Promo Videos!

I’d like to see a woman do this justice:

Well, Goldust might be a poor example. He’s kind of fruity. But you get my point.


Episode #41 – Han Solo Is A Boring Cheesehead, And I Want To Automate Him Out Of A Job

Welcome to the most interesting post of your undeserved life.

Volvo announced this week that all cars launched after 2019 will be electric – bye bye oil industry! (1.39 million jobs).

LoupVentures automation report also shows that level 5 automation (the one where you take a nap or jerk off in the car in a…safer manner) will be 90% of all cars by 2040.

Don’t listen to cynical nihilists like Andy who want to convince you that the world is always the same and there’s no reason to try at anything. The world is getting better, and we’re starting by firing every one of you slack jaws with a useless blue collar job.

“Wahh, a computer can’t figure out how to how to deal with simple contingencies – they’ll never take my job”.

Google Chrome (the web browser that you’re using if your forehead is < than 10 inches tall) has 4,490,488 lines of code.

That’s almost 5 million lines.

What do you think those lines of code are for? Are they just there for fun…a joke to trick students?

Or maybe those fucking brilliant scientists have hundreds of thousands of lines of code meant to deal with every contingency and stupid error.

Remember when your web page freezes because some idiot designs their Superstore Click N Collect website to steal all your computer’s resources and get stuck in an infinite loop? Google Chrome does some cool thing where it says “Hey you gaping idiot, Google Chrome is frozen so we can kill that page for you so that your whole computer doesn’t crash”.

It’s almost as if engineers dedicate tons of time dealing planning for these contingencies, even today!

So Let’s Consider How We Could Automate Andy Out Of A Job

I wrote a good 200 words of explanation for how we could start to automate Andy’s job. But then I found this video – looks like Google automated me out of having to write this article.

Thank goodness robots can’t write comedy!

The robots in this video that you’re literally watching today certainly won’t impact you in your lifetime at all.

Yeah, that Amazon company is going nowhere, they’re just a small mom and pop shop with no real influence over anything. They certainly aren’t in a place to revolutionize the entire retail industry rapidly (a 27 trillion dollar industry). Walmart certainly isn’t already following suit either.

Go fuck yourself, you technophobe.

Episode #40 – Deadpool 2


Perhaps someday there will come a time when we can go more than 2 episodes without talking about sooper hero nerd shit to some degree.

Oh I know, I don’t say that statement expecting it to be anytime soon. I can say with certainty the next episode will likely be about the stupid Han Solo movie, basically a sooper hero movie. Not that long ago we were dumb enough to watch Ready Player One, a movie that sucks the dick of sooper hero movies. And I know the latest installment in the Mamma Mia! franchise is right around the corner (the Greek Avengers).

Essentially I end up watching 7 new movies I hate for every 1 that I actually end up liking. I would kill at least 3 Mullers to reverse that ratio, but no matter how many I kill it never seems to fix the problem.

Yet because of this wildly popular podcast my life is in this weird place where it has to be continually sacrificed to the Altar of Hate that is RMwRM. Without this childish nerd crap the podcast would likely cease to exist.

Something has to fuel the hate engine and I know that won’t happen if I’m sitting around watching A Serbian Film, The 120 days of Sodom, Irréversible, or any of my other favorite movies.

The engine will only continue to run on hate, and thus my foreseeable future will still be made up of sooper hero movies and Muller.



Episode #39 – Beyond: Dark Souls

Do you wake up in the morning, feeling like you were born in the wrong time? Wrong world? Wrong reality? Wrong gender?

There’s A Video Game For That!

On May 11, 2018, at 21:00 for approximately 3 hours, I was forced, against my will, to play Dark Souls 3.

I copied and pasted that last sentence from the police report I filed. The crime? Muller stealing my time, holding me hostage, and constantly “accidentally” brushing up against my calves with his face.

I dropped the charges after Muller agreed to buy me some nachos. BUT that doesn’t excuse this nerd’s wet dream of a game. We’ve often criticized nerds for blindly rallying behind the things they love without actually understanding what makes those things great (see our award-winning episode on Ready Player One).

DS3 is a simple hack & slash game made by some losers who binged the extended editions of all the Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones way too many times. Just like using big jargon fantasy words doesn’t make a “story” more meaningful, simply ripping off the characters from these fantasy franchises without adding any substance doesn’t make it good! And it’s very obviously a knock-off.

These game designers should be stuffed inside a high school locker where their ideas can’t hurt us. I use the word “ideas” incredibly loosely.

I Remember My First Mead

Let’s look at a REAL RPG.

Dragon Warrior is the first and last RPG you ever need. Forget Final Funtasy! Super Mario RPG? Don’t need it. Secret of Mana? A game with that misogynist name needs to be stricken from the records!

Check out this sweet boss fight.

I Remember Back In The Day When A Checkpoint Was A Checkpoint

Muller: “Hey, light this bonfire. But it’s not a “checkpoint”, it’s a spawn point.”

Braden: “But Muller, I restart here, so it sorta is like a checkpoint”.

Muller: “It’s not a checkpoint. All the things that happen in the game stay the same. It’s like real life, man. That’s why I like it so much. Dark Souls 3 helps me escape my meaningless, jobless life.”

Braden: “Okay but all the guys re-spawned. That doesn’t make sense. How is it a checkpoint then?”

Muller: “It’s NOT A CHECKPOINT! You have to fight all the guys again. This game makes you earn things. Like in Jordan Peterson’s book, he talks about playing Dark Souls 3 is how to approach life. In life, you need to…”

Braden: “That’s nice. Where’s the next checkpoint? Whoa! Hi Jordan Peterson! I didn’t see you there.”

J.P.: “Hey guys. Don’t listen to Muller. This game was made by post-modern neo-Marxists to trick you into thinking you are doing constructive things with your life.”

Muller: “Hi Mr.Peterson. I’m your biggest fan. Can you autograph my wiener?”

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Episode #38 – Old Man Muller Hates Expensive Coffee, Brendan Fraser’s “The Mummy”

Back in my day, breakfast and coffee were cheap. You could pay a nickel for a dime and a peep show was half a penny.

Sounds like some real typical baby boomer thinking, doesn’t it?

Or maybe it’s some real rational thinking where you don’t want to throw away your money on cultural trends. Paying $3 for swill diner coffee is the equivalent to paying an extra $4 for a 3D movie because the new Avengers was only in 3D – you’re only okay with it because everyone else was doing it

Oh, what a beacon of intelligence we’ve had on our show this week: “You should pay more for coffee because coffee places discovered that consumers are too dumb to want to pay less for worthless coffee”.

Sounds like the work of garbage libertarian beliefs if I’ve ever heard any.

Or at least some bastardized version of libertarian beliefs where you don’t need to get value for your money.

What is money?

The concept of money is simple: you give something of value (stacks of Benjamins), and they give you something of equal value in return.

You might have had a situation in your life where you got less value in return for your Jeffersons. There’s a name for people like you: fucking rubes.

It doesn’t make you smart to overpay for crappy diner coffee because you’re following along with the status quo: it makes you an idiot.

You know who else liked overpaying for crap?

Episode #37 – Snowpiercer


I honestly thought this was the end for RMwRM.

After the events of the last episode, in which we watched the most bleak post-apocalyptic dystopia movie I’ve ever seen, Ready Player One. It’s not dystopian in its subject matter, but in the desolate state the movie industry is left in its wake.

A nightmare world where the only movies left that aren’t sooper hero movies, are ones that replace the story with references to sooper hero movies.

If Ready Player One can be called a movie, then the thought of watching another movie made me sick.

In a last ditch effort I managed to drive a few towns over to one of the only theaters available playing Isle of Dogs. The latest wankfest from hipster trash auteur, Wes Anderson. Being the contrarian basement-dwelling loser that I am, I felt completely rejuvenated by the warmth of Wes Anderson’s hot cum as it drenched my face and covered my body in perfect symmetry.

No. They cannot win. Someone has to let the people know that they are disgusting in liking the things they do. They have to feel bad. They need to know shame. I want to live in a world where people are so afraid to talk about their interests that they just don’t.

It’s time to derail another beloved trainwreck.

More like NOpiercer


Snowpiercer is a movie that can fuck right off.

Somehow I allowed its widespread critical praise to fool me into thinking it would be good enough to bother watching. I forgot that widespread critical praise doesn’t account for widespread critical retardation.

What I can’t figure out is if people only like it because having Chris Evans star in the movie can be considered a reference to a sooper hero movie or if it’s because it makes them feel smart for having the same kind of rich social commentary that can be found in the lyrics of a song written by a 14 year old’s garage punk band.

Wow, I never thought that class inequality was bad before. Thanks Snowpiercer Man for this brilliant takedown of every society ever.

Really this movie just made me dream of a class system where people who like this movie are stuffed into the back train cabs that are then diverted over to a one way track to Auschwi…



Episode #35 – Fishes With Penises, Monkey On Man Sex, The Shape Of Water, Congo

Why Did They Forget To Show Fantastic Mr. Fox’s Penis On Screen?

Was it an artistic decision? Did Wes Anderson feel that it wouldn’t contribute to the story enough?

Maybe he thought it wasn’t appropriate for a children’s movie to have graphic penises on screen?

Whatever the reasoning was, he was wrong. Anytime an animal is pretending to be a human on screen, you need to show off that animal’s penis to prove it.

“Come on, lemme see your penis!”

It’s the perfect question to verify almost anything, such as whether you’re:

  • fit to be a boss at a corporation
  • likely to be good at skateboarding
  • good at writing essays
  • able to hold an argument without resorting to fruitless ad-hominem attacks
  • good at directing movies that have fish penis in them

It’s also the perfect question to validate whether The Shape Of Water was a good movie or not. It turns out that he’s not going to show you his fish penis.

Fine then, be that way. Just coincidentally I’m not going to be able to show you a good review on your shitty penis-less movie.

See you next time Guillermo Del Penis!

Episode #34 – The Lawnmower Man


Modern interactions online might have you fearful of the dangers that unfiltered ideas could have on our culture and society. Many leftist/progressive/liberal types seem to argue that free speech is perhaps not the ultimate virtue it’s purported to be.

But those people are all annoying.

They’re constantly pissing and moaning about “oh boo hoo, you shouldn’t make fun of people just to make yourself feel big” or “waahhh, certain groups in society have been unfairly marginalized in a way that keeps them at the bottom of a social hierarchy”.


Look I’m just trying to call my friend a fag cause he sits down to pee, and only chicks sit down to pee. Could you fuck off for just a minute with the accusations of sexism and homophobia. Let me get this outta my system before we enter political discourse, or else I’ll bring it there.

It’s always been bizarre to me that my generation (the older end of millennial), the one that grew up having to defend the non-effects of violent video games/movies/music/violence on culture against annoying aging religious prudes, is now the generation screaming about the negative effects of hilariously homophobic jokes on modern culture to aging people espousing the merits of free ideas.

God I miss the Wild West days of the internet.

With how much my generation was constantly integrating cruder and more offensive media into everyday life, I really always thought we’d be the ones shoving old ladies over to ensure a better spot in the grocery line.

“Out of the way you old bag, it’s my time now!”

Where did we go wrong?

Speaking of the dangers of technology and culture…

Today’s episode is all about The Lawnmower Man.

A movie that also feared the dangers that unchecked technological progress might have, based on absolutely NO understanding of how any of that technology actually works. How’s that for tying it all together?

Lawnmower Man deserves at least an honorable mention in the grand list of “so bad it’s funny movies”, that it so far has been excluded from.

A monkey dressed like Robocop engaging in gunfire, some widowed cougar banging the local retarded boy, virtual killer bees on the loose, and a man’s brain being eaten by some other dood that has a lawnmower for a mouth.

If that doesn’t entice you to consider giving it a watch then I don’t know what will. At the very least you could give our episode a listen instead, so I can bask in the sweet sweet satisfaction of a high number of downloads to fill the void that a lack of actual achievement has created.



Episode #33 – 2001: A Space Odyssey

This Isn’t Your Uncle’s Space Odyssey

I wonder if 2001: A Space Odyssey freaked out pending astronauts who first landed on the moon the following year. Did Neil or Buzz find a monolith on the moon? Is there a giant space baby floating around out there? Probably not. This is why Stanley Kubrick should’ve also filmed the moon landing.

Not only did the Kubemeister broaden our minds by having us question our existence, purpose, and what it means to be human in his 2001: A Space Odyssey. He also touched our hearts with the lovable HAL 9000.

I often wonder about the previous HAL versions. What was the original HAL like? What do we know about the human who his voice is based on? Who was his original creator? What changes were made that led to the HAL 1000, 2000, 3000, etc. These are questions we all have. Come to think of it, Kubrick really missed out on some serious box office bling! Just imagine a 2001: A Space Odyssey extended universe!

There could be a movie about all of the HAL models and what led to HAL 9000. Perhaps future HAL models were created with more restrictive prime directives like Robocop so they couldn’t harm humans again. Or maybe the HAL robots took over the world and enslaved humanity. There are so many exciting possibilities!

We could have a movie about the apes at the beginning of the movie. After they learn to kill they quickly learn how to walk and talk. They could ride horses and shoot machine guns. What’s not to love? I guess there could’ve been some serious legal backlash with the Planet of the Apes franchise though.

We also missed out on at least 1 movie where the space baby goes on adventures to new worlds, helping other civilizations transcend into space babies.

This baby is a powerful symbol. I’m surprised Planned Parenthood hasn’t lobbied to have this movie banned. Or least try to have it edited into an ending where the universe decides it doesn’t want its space baby any longer and aborts it.

You can’t tell the universe what it can and can’t do with its body!

Men Are Neat

But male robots are much neater! Thinking about Hal 9000 has me reminiscing about my favourite robots:

Call Me Kenneth from the Judge Dredd comics

ED-209 from Robocop

Walter, Judge Dredd’s robot butler


And who could forget Johnny 5 from Short Circuit

When is the Judge Dredd/Robocop/Short Circuit crossover going to happen? Come on Netflix! You make everything into a series. This one pretty much writes itself!

Genisys IS Skynet

Wait, how did we get back here?

Just go listen to the episode! You can see how silly these postmodernist Muller and Jono are for ripping on such a classic film. I mean movie. Damn it. Now I look pretentious too. I’m just going to drive to the nearest foundry and hop into a lava pit. See ya!

Episode #32 – Insane Clown Posse

You can never complain enough about your friends.

Friends talk about you behind your back and tell people about your athlete’s foot. They smoke in your house and then bring their dogs over without putting foot gloves on them to keep your floor from getting scratched.

When you’re trying to improve your life, your friends are the ones holding you back from a brighter future. Think about it – you’re the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with.

Therefore, the useless garbage that you are today is because of your 5 closest friends – it’s entirely their fault.

You’d be a much better person if your closest friends were better people. But they’re not, so you’re stuck in that flesh sack you like to call a body until it rots away.

That’s why I’m a part of this show in the first place – I’m committed to complaining about my friends, so I put all my complaints online on stone tablets so no one can doubt my sacrifice.

You’ll have an easier time convincing people that the holocaust was real than convincing them that I don’t hate my friends – two unlikely scenarios.

The Most Important Reason To Complain About Your Friends

The hatred you have for your friends only leads to one logical conclusion – you hate yourself.

And you should hate yourself because you’ve never written a book or spoken publicly or been involved in a Hollywood sex scandal: all important markers of success.

I heard some liberals say that the best way to stop hating yourself is to take a personality test, analyze your positive and negative personality traits, and then make a plan for your life that multiplies your strengths and minimizes/compensates for your weaknesses.

What a bunch of fags. The best way to stop hating yourself is this: don’t. Self-hatred is an important part of a man’s psyche. It’s the thing that drives him to be better (besides sex).

Or it drives him to suicide: either option is preferable to watching the Insane Clown Posse movies though, and not in a good way.

Episode #31 – Swimfan?

Is there anything more annoying than Moms on Facebook?

Normally I love when people expose the moronic thoughts going on their thick skull because it’s the perfect opportunity to ridicule them in front of a large audience, making them feel small while simultaneously showing everyone how much better of a human I am.

And Moms constantly post the dumbest shit on social media.

Stupid copy and paste “posting this to see who responds” horseshit, messages to specific people that they instead posted to everyone because they still don’t understand how the internet works, and the occasional self-absorbed cause that they don’t realize nobody cares about, like “the right to breastfeed in public”.

The worst is the pictures of their kids, dogs, and food just sitting there doing nothing. The only time a picture of food is worth looking at, is if it’s being thrown at someone. Same goes with kids and dogs.

Being that I feel no remorse in publicly shaming these kinds of people, you’d think I’d be in heaven with the constant showcase of mental inadequacy. If it was anyone other than my Mom I wouldn’t care about upsetting them, but I don’t wanna end up missing out on a free meal from time to time.

I guess I just want people to realize nobody actually cares about any of the dumb shit you care to post about.

Speaking of which, here’s a post about today’s episode!

I know you probably thought to yourself “I don’t want to listen to a bunch of idiots talking about Swimfan for any amount of time”. Don’t worry, neither did we, so we didn’t.

Swimfan is probably the movie equivalent of “posts by your Mom” in terms of things you want to hear about. But we managed to make a case for why it will ruin your life without actually discussing anything about it at all.

You’re welcome.

Speaking of things that will ruin your life, remember the endings of Alf and Dinosaurs?

I think most people will remember these two shows as innocent, fun for the whole family, but likely dated TV shows from the late 80s/early 90s. And you’d be right, but what you probably don’t remember is that both of these shows ended so fucking bleak that you’d think I wrote them as some kind of overly elaborate prank to traumatize children. You’re right to think I’m that sadistic, but wrong to think I’m not that lazy.

Here’s the ending clip of Dinosaurs that we mention on the show. (spoiler alert, everybody dies and nobody is ready to accept it)

I always imagined that Real Movies with REAL Men will have a similarly bleak ending, but the more I think about it, there’s probably a good chance it will end by me and Braden murdering Muller and then being unable to figure out how to record more episodes on our own.

Nothing bleak about that.


Episode #30 – Event Horizon

Time Is An Illusion

This is one of the many insightful quotes from Jigsaw that we’ve referenced on the show. It is also the only redeeming quality about Saw IV.

Muller takes this quote very seriously, as we have yet to perfectly nail down the exact formula for Muller time. As Andy has said before, accounting for a whole gamut of variables is what makes it tough, but we can usually predict within a few hours. Or so we thought.

The Firewood Variable

We are Real Movies With Real Men are charitable gents. We decided to celebrate Christmas the best way we know how: getting our friends together for a movie night to watch Ghoulies and Ghoulies 2! I asked to have the gathering on the Saturday before Christmas but Muller specifically said that Saturday didn’t work for him, and that he could make it if we did it Friday.

Fast forward to that Friday. It is now after 8:00 pm, and everyone has shown up and waited over 30 minutes. We finally get a text from Muller saying that he was busy with one of his weirdo cousins loading and unloading “firewood” (whatever that is code for) and to start without him.

We had a movie night on a specific night so he could make it, and he doesn’t even show up!

He did eventually make it for the end of Ghoulies and stayed around for Ghoulies 2. But leading up to his arrival I kept thinking to myself,

Man, Jigsaw finally got to Muller’s head. Time really IS an illusion. Maybe this explains Mullertime all along. But…maybe…no, it can’t be…there’s no way…but it just makes too much sense…

Muller IS Jigsaw!!!!!

Muller refers to the movie “Event Horizon” as the first Saw experience when in fact it was just one of his many torture devices. He put us through Event Horizon to watch us writhe and squirm out of boredom.

Then a few weeks later, he took us to that crappy Chinese place we’ve talked about “Chong Qing” in his family’s soccer mom van. Another test of our pain threshold. A test we failed because we did not eat our food the way Muller expected us to. A test we failed because we did not share our food with everyone like a gang of hobos crowded around a barrel fire passing around the last can of beans. A test we failed because out of protest for the ludicrousness of chopsticks, I snapped mine in half right at the table.

In retrospect, I probably should’ve been more careful. I could’ve woken up in shackles with 60 seconds to free myself by picking my lock with chopsticks, or else the Papa Murphy’s pizza oven I’d be trapped in would shut forever, baking me into a pizza of my own ignorance and hate. If only I had loved life more and not been dead inside…

It’s not my fault chopsticks suck. Anyways.

“I’m Not Late. It’s Always Mullertime Baby”

Muller is intentionally late just to drive us crazy and keep us guessing. He’s an unpredictable madman! And there’s the overselling of restaurants to find they are only just mediocre at best. Then there’s the movies he hypes that end up being incredibly boring and dull.

These are his Jigsaw Tortures!

Jigsaw has been reincarnated into a millennial hipster with ADD whose passive aggressive torture schemes make him the worst Jigsaw yet. He may be a jerk but he’s a more tolerable Jigsaw than Detective Jigaw. Or Bride of Jigsaw. Or Dr.Jigsaw. How many Jigsaws were there?

We hardly discuss Saw on this episode, but that’s the beauty of Sawsgiving. It just keeps giving and giving. And if you have no idea what I’m talking about, go listen to episode 24.

This should be the only “saw” any of us ever need:

Episode #29 – The Last Jedi

Shame is the glue that holds a rotting, festering society together.

And a wise man once told me that “Yammering on and on about something I want to emphasize and showcase how funny it is in case you didn’t initially understand what I was trying to say is the soul of wit”.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that this post is going to be short. Because I forgot to write the episode post until now. Aand my sister is about to have a baby so I have to rush off to the hospital soon.

I’m going to the hospital because I’d lose face if I didn’t go visit my newly born nephew. See? Shame is working already. I promise though, I had a whole thing planned out where I was going to explain the entire methodology for how shame holds society together. Trust me.



Ps. I say nephew not because we already know the sex of the baby, but because if it’s a girl they won’t bother calling the family. Straight to the dumpster.

Pss. This episode contains by far my favorite story we’ve shared to date.

Psss. Oh, I can’t help myself. Here are all the ways shame glues society together:

  • Shame keeps homeless people from picking themselves up by their bootstraps and integrating into normal society. This is problematic because once a homeless person looks like everyone else, it becomes difficult to be sure that the person you’re abusing is indeed homeless, and not a regular person. You might end up in jail – big problem!
  • Shame keeps disgusting perverted behavior in the bedroom and off the streets.
  • Shame keeps people in church paying attention to the sermon, rather than just playing Sudoku on their phones.
  • Shame keeps people from napping at their jobs.
  • Shame keeps people from farting in meetings

One theme amongst all of these things is that shame hasn’t stopped me from doing any of these things. That’s because I wasn’t born with shame. Similar to people who have no morals, my lack of shame gives me an edge over any normal member of society.

Don’t drop the soap.


Episode #28 – Star Trek Into Asterios

It’s okay to be a nerd, it’s just not okay to be proud of it

With a new Star Wars coming out this weekend, also brings forth droves of annoying fanboys, frothing at the mouth to the thought of going home after the movie and cuddling up to their porg shaped body pillows. But before they can clean that poor body pillow of the cum stains following a night of dry humping, you’ll be sure to see some of their stupid reaction videos on the YouTube with all their friends trying to prove to each other who can become Disney’s most cum stained body pillow.

Reaction videos for trailers, reaction videos for trailers to the trailers, reaction videos for unboxing some stupid nerd toy, reaction videos to sniffing Daisy Ridley’s stolen used panties that they acquired through some perverted backdoor internet bidding site.

I have never seen a demographic more easily manipulated than the current nerd culture. I think they might be worse than 13 year old girls with modern hit boy band Hanson. Kids still like Hanson right?

The only reaction they should have is shame. Shame from realizing their whole identity is predicated on sucking the dick of some marketing executive that knows exactly where to go to expel every ounce of bodily fluid as quickly and carelessly as possible.

Fuck you, you stupid nerds.

Now onward to our lengthy point-by-point breakdown of a Star Trek movie

Special guest Asterios Kokkinos comes stumbling into the episode late, covered in some kind of thick white substance that he assures us is just tzatziki sauce, and nothing to do with any kind of private audition with a Disney executive producer. It was hard to tell over FaceTime, so we’ll take his word for it.

Calling in all the way from New York to expel a different kind of bodily excrement (the brown kind) all over Star Trek Into Darkness.

I can assure you, this was far more Star Trek than I ever cared to talk about, and ever will again. Thank goodness we had the enjoyment of watching Muller actually break a sweat trying to conquer the logistics of recording a conversation between us and some dood pretty much all the way across the continent.

Look, you might think you’re such a clever fuck for pointing out that a show “with REAL men” is actually just a bunch of losers sitting around Saturday night recording themselves talking about Star Trek. But listen, you (not clever) fuck, the distinction lies in how much shame I felt doing so. As stated in an early forgotten post on this very site, the world would be a better place if everyone was just a little bit more ashamed of themselves.

A REAL man can admit this.


Episode #27 – Stranger Things 2

Real Movies with REAL Men 2: REAL Men In The Big City

As I enter the 2nd year of RMwRM I take this time to reflect on all the things I’ve done, which as a man means reflecting on all the things I’ve done wrong. Perhaps I could have been a bit tougher on a certain movie. Maybe I wasn’t rude enough to one of our special guests. Perhaps I loved too much… which is any amount at all.

I find myself pondering just what it is to be a REAL man. Most would consider this someone who builds a better world today to benefit the people of tomorrow. Modern internet police would have you believe that men are actually the opposite, someone who keeps today’s world in ruins only to benefit himself, and you know what, they’re right.

Though they say it as if it’s a bad thing. But what better display of strength than proving I can destroy anything built by others, who mistakenly thought I wouldn’t.

A REAL man has to stand taller than the rest, on the ruins of what everyone else worked their hardest to achieve.

Ruined Things

So looking back at year one, what can I take pride in saying I truly ruined? Well you could say I started small, started with something weak, the weakest thing I know actually. That thing is Muller.

When I first met Muller he was as bright-eyed and good-willed as they come. But I took him under my wing and showed him what the world really is, a pile of starch and empty calories to be chewed up and spit out on the face of those who love it.

But now after one year and the events of SAWSgiving I am releasing him out into the wild to turn all the joy in your life to ash. And this episode, Stranger Things 2 will be that ash.

Even a cynic such as myself can take season 2 of Stranger Things for what it is. A decent follow up that ultimately didn’t meet the expectations of the first.

But Muller didn’t seem willing to accept it as that. The slight smell of blood was enough to excite the nostrils, as he sunk his teeth into the flesh of everyone’s Netflix darling. Like a hungry, rabid dog with an appetite for destruction leaving no room to accept anything less.

Looking at the torn up corpse of Stranger Things 2 only serves as evidence of how much I’ve ruined Muller’s once good-spirited character. I suppose most would feel guilty about taking such optimism and covering it in blood and filth, but I actually feel pretty good about it. Even though I felt Stranger Things 2 was mostly decent, I can take pride in my ability to create a monster that wants to destroy it.

The first step in creating a new world of degeneracy in the ruins of the old world. Muller was just year one…



Episode #26 – Uncharted 4, Heavy Rain

History In The Making

Pretty soon the word “history” will be deemed offensive because it starts with “his”. This word implies that history belongs to men. It will be changed to “herstory” by some radical feminists out of spite, but will eventually devolve into the inoffensive “theirstory”. Did you know the word “Mystery” used to be spelled “Mistery”? We should probably prepare for the following words to get censored:

  • MANsion
  • BOYcott
  • MANufacture
  • Mail
  • cHIMpanzee
  • tHE
  • MANhattan
  • HISpanic
  • flamBOYant

However, words like “Manslaughter” will remain as is.

But I digress. I note this episode as being historic not because we discuss a video game as a movie (this isn’t even the the 1st time we’ve done this  – THANKS MULLER). And not because we’ve collectively outed anyone who identifies as an “ally” to any social cause as someone who also sits down to pee. And especially not just because this is our first episode in months without an annoying, know-it-all guest who fans keep telling us all need to form a coup together and pry this show away from us (after we’re brutally murdered of course).

Because we deliver your weekly movie hate every second week, episode 26 marks our sort of anniversary! The same way that This Is 40 was advertised as a “sort of sequel” to Knocked Up. Just kidding. The only way anything related to Judd Apatow makes it into our content is to make fun of his “work”, or his ugly face. Shots fired. Take that, Dudd Apatow!

Really Guys? ANOTHER Video Game Brought In As A Movie?

Again, I feel like I should blame Muller for this, but we all contributed to this idea. Now let’s not compare the previous masterpiece of a game Mullerboy brought it, Donkey Kong Country 2, to these newer garbage games.

With the exception of newer indie games that were inspired by the older generations of gaming, most of my gaming comes from consoles released in the 90’s, and sometimes the GameCube. And in my defense, before you call me a sellout for liking Gamecube, it has 2 different Mega Man collections, like 6 Resident Evil titles, and Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem.

Man guys I’m such a nerd. Let’s go do some homework, watch The Big Bang Theory, Neil deGrasse Tyson lectures, and alternate marathons of the Star Wars prequels and *insert lame Marvel franchise*.

Unsharted 4

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be the best white guy at parkour? Ever wonder what it would be like as a young boy to sneak around a Catholic orphanage after hours? Do you love your brother so much that you ditch your wife all the time to commit heists in exotic countries, further complicating your incestuous feelings towards one another? What if I told you there’s a magical game that mixes all these things AND features close to 8 Hours of cut scenes and quick time events?

These were things I had never contemplated in my life until I watched part of a play through of Uncharted 4. I would rather take a 15 Hour dump than play through this game. I once lost 7lbs after a 2 hour bowel movement I took when I was 17. The next day I bragged about in English class while I ate tuna out of a can. It didn’t sound as cool and/or funny as it did in my head.

The whole time I was watching this Uncharted 4 play through, I kept wondering when Drake was going to pop some Advil. Let’s be real. This is the 4th game. There is no way this guy doesn’t have some muscle or joint inflammation from all the jumping around he does. The commentator on a play through I sort of watched kept talking about how exciting the game play was. All I could think was “Somebody get this guy a protein shake!”.

Nathan and Drake Are The Same Guy

I had the above revelation during the show. Moving on.

I’m Hungry

I’ll be right back, I just need to grab a box of Milk Judds.

Heavy Rain Is A Tale Of Envy

David Cage spent his whole life living in the shadows of his cooler older brother Johnny Cage. Legend has it that his venture into the gaming world, and creating games that are movies themselves, is his way of trying to show up Johnny. As a Hollywood action movie star, turned pro fighter and video game icon, it’s hard to top such a cool cat. I’m not sure why David would even try.

Just look into those eyes.

Now look at this guy. I’d be depressed and overcompensating in my professional life too.

Davey Cage – Take Some Notes

If you just want to make some movies, then quit half-assing it and make one! Start by watching every movie Judd Apatoe has been involved with.

And then kill yourself.

Man I’m Still Hungry

I better go, dinner is ready now. Time for a Spud Apatow!


Andy gives us GREMLIN OF THE YEAR this episode. That’s probably the only good reason to tune in this week.

Muller and friend of the podcast Jason recorded this preview of a Heavy Rain sequel back in 2015. It was so good that Dave Cage thought it was a game HE made after he watched it. What an idiot. He’s not this clever.

Episode #25 – Blade Runner, Master Of Disguise

Being gay isn’t a crime, and it shouldn’t be.

But making gay movies like Blade Runner should be. Have you seen the colors in the original Blade Runner? All sorts of greens and blues, and pinks – what could be gayer than pink?

How about that poetry Andy read straight at the beginning of our episode? You know, the one from the original 1982 Blade runner?

If poetry isn’t the definition of gay, then I don’t know what is.

Speaking of things that I don’t know are gay, it turns out I’m receiving an award from the Society of Sitters for advocating for the rights of minorities nationwide.

An Award For Supporting Minorities

I never realized how great I was until I noticed I was doing something in the minority: peeing sitting down. I thought I was just a normal everyday guy until I realized I could be a superhero for sitters everywhere by revealing my dark past.

What a future: paid public speaking gigs, acting gigs, Muller-branded toilet seats – all ways I can use my newfound power to encourage sitters everywhere. Don’t worry sitters: soon you’ll be getting discount toilet paper and sponsors for no-zip jeans.

We can finally form an alliance against the standers, once and for all.

I call it the SS – Sitters against Standers.

Anyone using non-inclusive standing-only language will be silenced or economically crippled. Schools will teach young children to accept sitting as normal behavior, and that if they DON’T want to sit, then they’re sitphobic – and you can take that to the bank!

Sitters can sit tall nationwide – all under the banner of the SS!

Now let’s kill this joke while we’re ahead; before a mob of SJW’s finds an incriminating tweet in yet another role model’s life so we can steal his job and shame him into silence, biding his time until he can vote for a conservative candidate as revenge.

Being Angry Definitely Shouldn’t Be A Crime

But ruining the audio during the intro to the podcast because he can’t shut the hell up sounds exactly like the type of thing a woman would do. Instead, it’s our “real man” Andy, screaming at the top of his lungs

The funny thing is that his voice ended up sounding pretty tinny and echoey instead of strong and powerful – all because he had to back up from the mic rather than just controlling himself.

Great job, none of us.

Real Movies With REEL Men

As promised, here’s a clip that our guest JonoVision produced for us a few years ago.

And JonoVision said I wasn’t a visionary – what a fool.

To make good on another promise…

…Here’s A Picture Of Muller As A 13-Year-Old

Tricked you. Turns out that the above phrase is all you need to get on some government pedophilia watchlist. Better watch your back!

Ps. I’m on the left. My parents didn’t even make me use a helmet when biking with that hair.

Episode #24 – SAWSgiving

To be truly alive, is to be dead on the inside

Of course it doesn’t hurt to be dead on the outside as well. I can’t stress enough the freedom of completely embracing rock bottom on all fronts. But it’s what’s on the inside that truly counts, and if you want to live happily as a man it’s best that be nothing but charcoal and sawdust.

Think of all the times someone close to you has shared pictures of their fucking ultrasound. No, it doesn’t look like you. No, I don’t see the head. And no, it certainly isn’t adorable. 

The only thing it resembles is a static screen on an old tube television. But at least that eventually leads to finding the right channel to play some SNES.

I don’t even want to know the amount of times I’ve narrowly avoided an aneurysm being subjected to such drivel. I’ve learned the best way to bypass an early stroke is to completely remove whatever emotional core is trying to digest this shit so that it just passes through your system completely unnoticed.

Then the next time you’re looking at yet another persons boring engagement photos the husband was forced into, you can calmly say “oh wow, I’m so happy for you”, throw them back on table for their next victim, and keep your blood from clotting long enough to continue thinking about the funniest way to kill yourself.

A man can only be at peace when he’s dead inside.

Hey, speaking of funny ways to kill yourself…


I speak of course of that special time of year when you sit down with a few of your less than intelligent buds and trick them into watching all seven Saw movies for your own sadistic form of amusement.

This might sound like a terrible idea, and it is.

But when some loser you know is crying about how scared he is to watch the Saw movies and all the nightmares he has just thinking about them, it’s your duty to destroy their lust for life, cripple them emotionally, and release them back into the world as a new man. Empty and cold. A REAL man.

Of course this all comes at a price, as you too will be subjected to watching about eleven hours of Saw. Just remember what I said about being dead inside, and you should be fine.

For my friends this was an unwanted journey of rebirth, but for me this episode is the story of how I, your trusted hero… BECAME THE NEW SAW!!!

Hopefully this new upcoming Saw movie can capture the spirit of my altruism.

Saw ya later!

Come back next episode for Passion of the Christ-mas, where we’ll be watching Passion of the Christ eight times in one sitting.



Episode #23 – IT, It, iTt

Let’s Get Right To IT

Did you get It? Did you get THAT too? I’m never going to tire of all the fun word games people have engaged in with the movie/TV miniseries/encyclopedia “IT”.

I’m gonna cut right to the chase here. Now by saying that I will “cut to the chase”, I’m actually creating more for you to read instead of just stating what it is I’m thinking. If I really wanted to “cut to the chase”, I should have just started the paragraph with whatever it is I wanted to say. By doing so, I would have “cut to the chase” by just “cutting to the chase” by cutting “cut to the chase” and I would’ve also avoided using that annoying phrase “cut to the chase”.

Where does this phrase come from anyways? The Medieval sewers of the English language one would assume. Perhaps it was bestowed upon us by of an all-powerful space turtle.

I guarantee Steven King has never heard the expression. 1100+ pages just to tell a story about an alien clown spider who lives in a storm drain and watches a group of preteens gang bang one of their friends? Come on Ol’ Stevie Boy.

The Poor Man’s R.L.Stine

Steve needs to take a page out of R.L.Stine’s book. Just a page, not 1100 of them. Stine knows how to write a good succinct story. Most of his novels are less than 200 pages, and they’re so well-written that even a kid can understand them!

What’s that? King’s “books” have been used as source material for various films and television series? Well Stine’s books got turned into 4 seasons of television! Has King ever been so beloved that a movie was made where he was a main character and had to battle all of the monsters from his various books?

Stine is an author so good that Sony just couldn’t settle on one book, they had to take all the best things from his most popular books and cram them all into one feature length film…and release it in October…and have Jack Black play R.L.Stine…yeah that sounds like something Sony would do.

But still, R.L.Stine has upped Steve King at every turn.

Who would you rather do?


Even M.Night Shyamalan has blatantly ripped off ideas from R.L.Stine’s novels. For a critical analysis of this, listen to my segment on Episode 8 regarding The Sixth Sense. Prepare to be enlightened.

What’s So Scary About It?

I mean, did Stevie K. just rip off Bozo The Clown for the 1990 IT miniseries? I remember watching The Bozo Show early Sunday mornings and thinking about how stupid all the kids were. They wouldn’t have stood a chance against my increasingly hairy upper lip and quickly maturing calves.

No, there weren’t kid contestants on this show like in Uh Oh! My aggressive and angsty 10 year old self just wanted to fight the kids in the studio audience.

But I still remember thinking Bozo was funny. What an idiot I was.

IT’s Influence Felt ‘Round The World

Thanks to the godsend of 1990, a generation of children from the 80’s and 90’s have carried on an irrational fear of clowns.

One thing we can thank IT for is its popularization of clowns into mainstream media. I wrote my PhD Thesis on this subject. If it weren’t for Thyme Curry, we most certainly wouldn’t have Doink, one of the most iconic wrestlers of the 90’s:

Here’s another classic: Vulgar. This gem from 2000 is about a party clown for kids. Here’s a shot that sums this movie up perfectly:


Let’s not forget the 1988 klassic Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Okay, this came out before 1990, but I’ll take any excuse to talk about KKFOS. ANY EXCUSE.

If you’ve ever had the urge to watch a shadow puppet devour a crowd of people or watch humans get turned into cotton candy, then this is your movie. Now let’s watch a guy get pied to death:

Well That’s All…WAIT I Didn’t Even Talk About The New iT Movie

Well, as you’ll hear on the podcast, we actually had some positive things to say about it. I think what I liked most is the accurate portrayal of IT. I think they really nailed it.