Welcome to Real Movies with REAL Men, the worlds FIRST and ONLY movie talkshow podcast!
REAL Men! Assemble!
The world is in complete peril right now! Plagued by factory line superhero movies, horribly needless remakes, and the ever so dreaded Adam Sandler “films”. Is there no silence to this madness?! Or should you stop delaying the inevitable and just slice open those wrists right now?!
Well guess what fuckos! We’re here to help. Because what this world needs most right now is REAL men complaining about things they hate on a digital medium.
Never more will you have to listen to that annoying coworker prattle on about how it’s unfair that the Fast and Furious movies never get nominated for an Oscar. You know, the same coworker that you wonder how our education system ever let slip through, and also get stricken with fear as you realize they have like three kids that they are raising.
Whenever these wastes of life start flapping their mouths, just plug in your headphones and let your ears be jerked off by the soothing sound of us! REAL men verbally abusing real movies like they’re a housewife that just overcooked dinner.
So now that I’ve won EVERYONE over with a joke about domestic abuse, let’s get to the very first episode of Real Movies With REAL Men. The show where each week we bring in our Most Hated Movie EVER (of the week) and you vote for the ones you also hate!
First Muller kicks things off with World War Z.
A real walking corpse of a movie that picks up its own severed limb and uses it to beat the dead horse that is the zombie genre. Except this dead horse seems to be completely devoid of blood. I guess that horse has been dead for a while if Hollywood thinks it can get away with a zombie movie where people get bit and don’t bleed.
But hey! It’s also completely devoid of anything resembling a script. Let’s not worry about that though, we can just start filming and I’m sure we’ll come up with an ending that makes sense along the way. Oh…
Normally Muller’s logic comes across as that of an extra-terrestrial trying its best to blend in with mankind. But I gotta admit he might be onto something here.
Then just when you think a CGI zombie fuckfest is the worst thing you could possibly imagine, Braden comes in with the 2015 Poltergeist.
A completely different kind of fuckfest that actually resembles that of a rapefest. Where Hollywood takes our favorite classics, bends them over a table, and makes them squeal like a pig.
Yes, this is the first remake brought into the show, that I’m sure will become a series of us trying to comprehend the movie industry’s justification for this.
Please Hollywood, no more. Our assholes are gaping at this point.
And then I, your trusted hero, betrays your trust by bringing in a movie that has been asking for it for a long time now. Return of the Jedi. I can already hear the sound of a thousand nerds adjusting their glasses as they fail to believe what they just read.
I know that this is a movie that a lot of people love, and a few idiots regard as the best Star Wars. But sometimes being a hero means taking a stand against the status quo. And sometimes that means stuffing a nerd into a locker until he can admit his favourite movie isn’t all that great, or pisses himself. I’ll accept either.
Here’s a clip of the ridiculous explosion mentioned in the episode that Han Solo couldn’t have possibly survived. All credit to the REAL men at RedLetterMedia for the hilarious commentary provided in the video. Check out their site if you want reasons to accuse me of ripping someone off.
I should leave it at that though. I’ve probably already soiled my reputation in this episode with an amount of Star Wars knowledge that will surely guarantee I die an incredibly lonely death.
So there we have it doodz.
The very first episode of Real Movies With REAL Men. A show where people put their biceps in their tongues and lay a verbal beatdown on movie crews that will never hear it.
And don’t forget, a REAL man makes sure to vote for all his Most Hated Movies EVER (of the week), so we can determine what the Most Hated Movie EVER (for real EVER) really is.