Episode #30 – Event Horizon

Time Is An Illusion

This is one of the many insightful quotes from Jigsaw that we’ve referenced on the show. It is also the only redeeming quality about Saw IV.

Muller takes this quote very seriously, as we have yet to perfectly nail down the exact formula for Muller time. As Andy has said before, accounting for a whole gamut of variables is what makes it tough, but we can usually predict within a few hours. Or so we thought.

The Firewood Variable

We are Real Movies With Real Men are charitable gents. We decided to celebrate Christmas the best way we know how: getting our friends together for a movie night to watch Ghoulies and Ghoulies 2! I asked to have the gathering on the Saturday before Christmas but Muller specifically said that Saturday didn’t work for him, and that he could make it if we did it Friday.

Fast forward to that Friday. It is now after 8:00 pm, and everyone has shown up and waited over 30 minutes. We finally get a text from Muller saying that he was busy with one of his weirdo cousins loading and unloading “firewood” (whatever that is code for) and to start without him.

We had a movie night on a specific night so he could make it, and he doesn’t even show up!

He did eventually make it for the end of Ghoulies and stayed around for Ghoulies 2. But leading up to his arrival I kept thinking to myself,

Man, Jigsaw finally got to Muller’s head. Time really IS an illusion. Maybe this explains Mullertime all along. But…maybe…no, it can’t be…there’s no way…but it just makes too much sense…

Muller IS Jigsaw!!!!!

Muller refers to the movie “Event Horizon” as the first Saw experience when in fact it was just one of his many torture devices. He put us through Event Horizon to watch us writhe and squirm out of boredom.

Then a few weeks later, he took us to that crappy Chinese place we’ve talked about “Chong Qing” in his family’s soccer mom van. Another test of our pain threshold. A test we failed because we did not eat our food the way Muller expected us to. A test we failed because we did not share our food with everyone like a gang of hobos crowded around a barrel fire passing around the last can of beans. A test we failed because out of protest for the ludicrousness of chopsticks, I snapped mine in half right at the table.

In retrospect, I probably should’ve been more careful. I could’ve woken up in shackles with 60 seconds to free myself by picking my lock with chopsticks, or else the Papa Murphy’s pizza oven I’d be trapped in would shut forever, baking me into a pizza of my own ignorance and hate. If only I had loved life more and not been dead inside…

It’s not my fault chopsticks suck. Anyways.

“I’m Not Late. It’s Always Mullertime Baby”

Muller is intentionally late just to drive us crazy and keep us guessing. He’s an unpredictable madman! And there’s the overselling of restaurants to find they are only just mediocre at best. Then there’s the movies he hypes that end up being incredibly boring and dull.

These are his Jigsaw Tortures!

Jigsaw has been reincarnated into a millennial hipster with ADD whose passive aggressive torture schemes make him the worst Jigsaw yet. He may be a jerk but he’s a more tolerable Jigsaw than Detective Jigaw. Or Bride of Jigsaw. Or Dr.Jigsaw. How many Jigsaws were there?

We hardly discuss Saw on this episode, but that’s the beauty of Sawsgiving. It just keeps giving and giving. And if you have no idea what I’m talking about, go listen to episode 24.

This should be the only “saw” any of us ever need:

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