Do you wake up in the morning, feeling like you were born in the wrong time? Wrong world? Wrong reality? Wrong gender?
There’s A Video Game For That!
On May 11, 2018, at 21:00 for approximately 3 hours, I was forced, against my will, to play Dark Souls 3.
I copied and pasted that last sentence from the police report I filed. The crime? Muller stealing my time, holding me hostage, and constantly “accidentally” brushing up against my calves with his face.
I dropped the charges after Muller agreed to buy me some nachos. BUT that doesn’t excuse this nerd’s wet dream of a game. We’ve often criticized nerds for blindly rallying behind the things they love without actually understanding what makes those things great (see our award-winning episode on Ready Player One).
DS3 is a simple hack & slash game made by some losers who binged the extended editions of all the Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones way too many times. Just like using big jargon fantasy words doesn’t make a “story” more meaningful, simply ripping off the characters from these fantasy franchises without adding any substance doesn’t make it good! And it’s very obviously a knock-off.
These game designers should be stuffed inside a high school locker where their ideas can’t hurt us. I use the word “ideas” incredibly loosely.
I Remember My First Mead
Let’s look at a REAL RPG.
Dragon Warrior is the first and last RPG you ever need. Forget Final Funtasy! Super Mario RPG? Don’t need it. Secret of Mana? A game with that misogynist name needs to be stricken from the records!
Check out this sweet boss fight.
I Remember Back In The Day When A Checkpoint Was A Checkpoint
Muller: “Hey, light this bonfire. But it’s not a “checkpoint”, it’s a spawn point.”
Braden: “But Muller, I restart here, so it sorta is like a checkpoint”.
Muller: “It’s not a checkpoint. All the things that happen in the game stay the same. It’s like real life, man. That’s why I like it so much. Dark Souls 3 helps me escape my meaningless, jobless life.”
Braden: “Okay but all the guys re-spawned. That doesn’t make sense. How is it a checkpoint then?”
Muller: “It’s NOT A CHECKPOINT! You have to fight all the guys again. This game makes you earn things. Like in Jordan Peterson’s book, he talks about playing Dark Souls 3 is how to approach life. In life, you need to…”
Braden: “That’s nice. Where’s the next checkpoint? Whoa! Hi Jordan Peterson! I didn’t see you there.”
J.P.: “Hey guys. Don’t listen to Muller. This game was made by post-modern neo-Marxists to trick you into thinking you are doing constructive things with your life.”
Muller: “Hi Mr.Peterson. I’m your biggest fan. Can you autograph my wiener?”